With the Cardinals facing the prospect of giving a substantial pay raise to arguably the best player in baseball, I thought I’d try and help the team out with some fundraising ideas. No ordinary bake sales or car washes will do for this team, though. This situation calls for some extraordinary, out-of-the box ideas, and I’ve got 10 that just might do the trick…..or not.
- Emergency catcher for a day auction. Why not? I’m sure somebody would cough up big bucks to back up Yadier Molina and that other guy who isn’t named Jason LaRue, Matt Pagnozzi, or Steven Hill.
- Designated basebrawl starter – Minimum bid is $1000 + the ability to pay the fine leveled by Uncle Bud. Limited to games against the Reds.
- Pinch runner auction. Winning bidder gets to pinch run in meaningless, late-game situation when a pitcher would normally be used. MUST be willing to ignore “stop” sign put up by Jose Oquendo.
- Manager for a Day auction. No figurehead position, either. Really allow the winning bidder to manage the team at the end of the season for a full game once the team’s postseason position has been finalized.
- Box Score auction. Win the opportunity to get your name into an official box score with an at-bat in a major league game. The heck with fantasy camps and that stupid “Pros vs Joes” show. I’m talking about the real thing. “Joe Schmoe the Podiatrist” vs Ubaldo Jimenez. “Billy Joe Jim Bob Wilson the Dentist” vs Roy Halladay. “Unidentified assailant” vs Johnny Cueto. This one has potential.
- Pay-per-use toilets. It’s only a matter of time before fans at Busch will have to have their credits out at the restrooms. $1 for 1, $2 for 2. Please, don’t dwell on this one. I actually haven’t seen this one at a baseball stadium, but I have seen it at a McDonald’s in Boston already. I’m pretty sure it’s the one across the street from Quincy Market / Faneuil Hall.
- PBL – Personal Beer Licenses required for buying beer. That’s right. You’ll have to buy a pass that gives you the right to buy beer.
- Surcharge for assistance finding your seat. Need help? Better have a 5-spot handy. Time is money. Using their time will cost you money.
- In-seat monitor with real-time cuss jar debiting. Every time you commit a verbal misdemeanor, it will cost you. Luckily for you, you won’t even notice the money going away. They will just charge your account, and you will receive a receipt at the end of the game. A copy can also be mailed to you after the game for a small fee (per use). E-receipts are available for a one-time setup fee of $75/season.
- Blowout charge. In the event that the game becomes a blowout, and you decide to leave early (prior to 7th inning stretch), you will be assessed a $25/person fee. Television broadcasts of a half-full stadium may cause damage to the team’s brand, and you the fan are responsible for keeping that stadium full. Truly, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
TIDBIT: I kid, of course. There’s no way they would even consider implementing any of the fun suggestions, even for a spring training game. *sigh*
Like it? Are you “Joe Schmoe the Podiatrist” and feel like you could at least make contact against Jimenez? Find me on Twitter, and we’ll bemoan the lack of the “Box Score auction” together.