20 Things More Useful to Humanity Than Jonny Gomes

by on February 23, 2011 · 12 comments

In case you haven’t read about it or heard from your best friend’s neighbor’s dog sitter, Jonny Gomes opened his big mouth.  Click here for the absurd details.  To make a short story even shorter, Gomes decided to celebrate the misery of others, and he opted to do so at the expense of Adam Wainwright.  In Jonny’s honor, I’ve come up with a rather impromptu list of things that are more useful to mankind than Mr. Gomes just to put his miserable little existence into perspective. 
  1. Bed pans – Like Jonny, they are usually full of crap, but at least bed pans don’t talk.
  2. Cubs fans – We may have our differences, but we all know where to draw the line. 
  3. Food poisoning – It’s a horrible experience, but at least it’s temporary for most people.  I’m afraid that my dislike of Gomes is probably a lifelong thing now.  Nice job, Captain Dimwit.
  4. Prince Fielder‘s treadmill – It’s close, but I’m sure Fielder at least hangs clothes on it or something.
  5. The champagne the Reds had on ice for their 2010 postseason celebration – Ooops.  How did that one turn out?
  6. Michael Vick – At least Vick already did his time for his crimes.  Gomes is an idiot for life.  As the comedian Ron White once said “You can’t fix stupid.”
  7. Baseball players with career batting averages above .250 – Well that excludes Jonny – or as I like to call him “Mr. Cincy Roster Fodder”.
  8. Mayan Doomsday Calendar – There may not be a 6th age, but at least we can use it for a great drinking game.  About the best thing that can be said for Gomes is that he’s rotund enough to be used as a stepstool, if he doesn’t roll too much.
  9. Pet Rocks – No, they aren’t as popular as they were at one time, but they are much more likable than Gomes, and they don’t waste oxygen like he does.
  10. A wet match in a dark cave – You can at least look at a wet match and realize that it was useful at some point in time.  The same may not be said of Gomes.
  11. A mullet – The “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle may be out-of-date, but it’s still way cooler than anything Gomes has done in his life (other than maybe strikeout 621 times in 661 games).
  12. Black holes – Sure, a supermassive giant black hole may some day sneak up on our galaxy and tear it to shreds, but at least it will do it in style.  That’s a bit more than can be said for Mr. Gomes who isn’t exactly the paragon of style…. 

    Hey, look at me! I'm a giant loudmouth, and this is my "I'm a giant loudmouth face!"

  13. Elevators in outhouses – Yep.  They just don’t belong, but they are still far more useful in theory than you, Jonny.  You’re basically the dullest tool in the shed, and you know it.  Embrace that about yourself (after someone reads this to you).
  14. The human appendix – Of course, we typically think of the appendix only when it causes pain and anguish.  Come to think of it, the appendix and Gomes have a lot in common.  At least the appendix is useful for scientific purposes, while Gomes is probably only useful as ballast, a doorstop, or maybe a really unattractive paperweight.
  15. Band camps – Not only do band camps help support the performing arts, but there was that one time at band camp…(no, not me….Alyson Hannigan you weirdo!)
  16. Yadier Molina – He’s listed here simply because he’s awesome, and Gomes is not.
  17. Dr. Phil – He absolutely annoys the crap out of me, and I wish someone would do something about the reflectivity level of his chrome dome, but at least he tries to help people.  You’re the opposite of Dr. Phil.  You make people want to do stupid things like root for the Cubs against the Reds, and root for the Brewers against the Reds, and root for an army of convicted petty thieves against the Reds….and you get the picture.
  18. Sunburns – Sunburns are usually the result of one bad decision, but at least the human body usually heals by replacing the damaged skin with good-as-new skin.  Unfortunately, Jonny is a one continuous bad decision with a giant “kick me” sign on his back.  Glad to oblige, Jonny.  Glad to.
  19. Fantasy league baseball – Fantasy sports may be phenomenal wastes of time, but millions of people enjoy those phenomenal wastes of time.  Actually, some estimates put the number of fantasy baseball players at around 15 million which is roughly 7.5 times the number of people who are willing to pay to see a game in Cincinnati (and that’s in a good year). 
  20. Pennies – They aren’t worth a lot by themselves, but if you can get a bunch together, you might be able to do something significant.  If you can get a bunch of Reds together, you might just be able to screw in a lightbulb.  Of course, you’ll probably need at least 2 Cardinals fans there to explain how the ladder works and a Cubs fan to read the directions…..oh and a Pirates fan to open the package for them.

It’s not worth hating Gomes over his own stupidity, but it is worth booing him for being a worthless piece of carbon-based life.  I don’t wish him ill, but I wouldn’t tip him more than a penny, if he ended up as my waiter at an Outback restaurant.  Then again, I think that Outback has much higher standards for hiring than the Reds do. 

TIDBIT:  If I listed a 21st entry, it would be Adam Wainwright, because he’s got more class in his bad arm than Gomes has in his entire ego-addled self. 

Like it?  Feel like flying the “solo bird” the next time the Reds come to town?  Forget that and follow gr33nazn for some better ideas!

Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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EM February 23, 2011

Come on man, only 10?

Dennis February 23, 2011

Sorry to disappoint. I’ll expand on this later, though. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Mike February 23, 2011

Outstanding! I laughed out loud when I read number 4!

Dennis February 23, 2011

Thanks, Mike. #4 is my personal favorite as well.

Steven February 23, 2011
Dennis February 24, 2011

Right. The “quote” attributed to Gomes is laughable. He’s gone into a Deion Sander backpedal, except he doesn’t have the speed. Either someone gave him a script, or the report is crap. I’m leaning toward the former. I especially like the part where he claims that the Cardinals now have an opportunity to go trade for another ace. Yeah, that’s exactly what everbody else was thinking. “Hey, this is a great opportunity to trade for one of those spare aces that so many teams have lying around that they’d like to dump for nothing!”. Whatever.

E.E. RIPPER February 25, 2011

Great job on ‘..counting the ways..’ . But did you really have to insert Cubs’ fans between bed pans & food poisoning? I think you should have placed us between the doomsday calender & pet rocks. The former would mark the Cubs’ winning of the world series & the latter would represent the usefulness of the majority of our free agent signings.

Dennis February 25, 2011

Sorry about that. The placement was purely coincidental, but I understand your point. It’s at least worth pointing out that I put the Cubs entry near the top of the list and not at the bottom, right?

graham December 1, 2011

this is funny, but i disagree with a lot of it. i’m a reds fan, but i can laugh about a lot of it. i think, though, that if the cards signed gomes for some reason, you’d like him. he’s a great team player with a great life story. not that that really matters on the field. but the story you are getting all mad about has been discredited (i realize i’m writing this two years after the fact), and gomes has proved himself to be a legit professional. i only came across this post because i was trying to show my friend that jonny gomes is a great baseball player and he had never heard of him. i appreciate your passion for your team, but i love the fact you’re worried about the reds instead of the worthless cubs. even though you don’t like gomes or the reds and i have nothing but the utmost disdain more the cardinals (congrats on the world series victory, though), i can take comfort in the fact that the cubs will never be good, even if they land pujols.

Dennis December 1, 2011

If you really think that I would like Gomes as a player on the Cardinals, then you are sadly mistaken. I’m not a huge fan of any outfielder/platoon guy who can only hit lefties. The fact that the guy may or may not be likeable is irrelevant to me.

To say that I’m getting “all mad” about the story is pushing things a bit. I simply made fun of Jonny for what is most likely a case of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. That by itself wouldn’t be so bad, but his bumbling explanation and subsequent backtracking was too choreographed and unoriginal.

As for Gomes being a “legit professional”, I’m not sure how hitting .209 qualifies as “legit”. I usually don’t think of a “great baseball player” as somebody who posts a cumulative 2.1 WAR over 9 seasons. I’d probably limit “great” to guys like Votto and potentially Stubbs.

I’m not sure how you determined that I’m worried about the Reds more than the Cubs. I don’t see the Reds as having enough financial flexibility to improve without moving someone like Votto. However, the Cubs are shedding payroll like crazy, and they could possibly land someone like Prince Fielder and still have money left over for a few other upgrades this year.

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