20 Things More Useful to Humanity Than Jonny Gomes

by on February 23, 2011 · 12 comments

In case you haven’t read about it or heard from your best friend’s neighbor’s dog sitter, Jonny Gomes opened his big mouth.  Click here for the absurd details.  To make a short story even shorter, Gomes decided to celebrate the misery of others, and he opted to do so at the expense of Adam Wainwright.  In Jonny’s honor, I’ve come up with a rather impromptu list of things that are more useful to mankind than Mr. Gomes just to put his miserable little existence into perspective. 
  1. Bed pans – Like Jonny, they are usually full of crap, but at least bed pans don’t talk.
  2. Cubs fans – We may have our differences, but we all know where to draw the line. 
  3. Food poisoning – It’s a horrible experience, but at least it’s temporary for most people.  I’m afraid that my dislike of Gomes is probably a lifelong thing now.  Nice job, Captain Dimwit.
  4. Prince Fielder‘s treadmill – It’s close, but I’m sure Fielder at least hangs clothes on it or something.
  5. The champagne the Reds had on ice for their 2010 postseason celebration – Ooops.  How did that one turn out?
  6. Michael Vick – At least Vick already did his time for his crimes.  Gomes is an idiot for life.  As the comedian Ron White once said “You can’t fix stupid.”
  7. Baseball players with career batting averages above .250 – Well that excludes Jonny – or as I like to call him “Mr. Cincy Roster Fodder”.
  8. Mayan Doomsday Calendar – There may not be a 6th age, but at least we can use it for a great drinking game.  About the best thing that can be said for Gomes is that he’s rotund enough to be used as a stepstool, if he doesn’t roll too much.
  9. Pet Rocks – No, they aren’t as popular as they were at one time, but they are much more likable than Gomes, and they don’t waste oxygen like he does.
  10. A wet match in a dark cave – You can at least look at a wet match and realize that it was useful at some point in time.  The same may not be said of Gomes.
  11. A mullet – The “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle may be out-of-date, but it’s still way cooler than anything Gomes has done in his life (other than maybe strikeout 621 times in 661 games).
  12. Black holes – Sure, a supermassive giant black hole may some day sneak up on our galaxy and tear it to shreds, but at least it will do it in style.  That’s a bit more than can be said for Mr. Gomes who isn’t exactly the paragon of style…. 

    Hey, look at me! I'm a giant loudmouth, and this is my "I'm a giant loudmouth face!"

  13. Elevators in outhouses – Yep.  They just don’t belong, but they are still far more useful in theory than you, Jonny.  You’re basically the dullest tool in the shed, and you know it.  Embrace that about yourself (after someone reads this to you).
  14. The human appendix – Of course, we typically think of the appendix only when it causes pain and anguish.  Come to think of it, the appendix and Gomes have a lot in common.  At least the appendix is useful for scientific purposes, while Gomes is probably only useful as ballast, a doorstop, or maybe a really unattractive paperweight.
  15. Band camps – Not only do band camps help support the performing arts, but there was that one time at band camp…(no, not me….Alyson Hannigan you weirdo!)
  16. Yadier Molina – He’s listed here simply because he’s awesome, and Gomes is not.
  17. Dr. Phil – He absolutely annoys the crap out of me, and I wish someone would do something about the reflectivity level of his chrome dome, but at least he tries to help people.  You’re the opposite of Dr. Phil.  You make people want to do stupid things like root for the Cubs against the Reds, and root for the Brewers against the Reds, and root for an army of convicted petty thieves against the Reds….and you get the picture.
  18. Sunburns – Sunburns are usually the result of one bad decision, but at least the human body usually heals by replacing the damaged skin with good-as-new skin.  Unfortunately, Jonny is a one continuous bad decision with a giant “kick me” sign on his back.  Glad to oblige, Jonny.  Glad to.
  19. Fantasy league baseball – Fantasy sports may be phenomenal wastes of time, but millions of people enjoy those phenomenal wastes of time.  Actually, some estimates put the number of fantasy baseball players at around 15 million which is roughly 7.5 times the number of people who are willing to pay to see a game in Cincinnati (and that’s in a good year). 
  20. Pennies – They aren’t worth a lot by themselves, but if you can get a bunch together, you might be able to do something significant.  If you can get a bunch of Reds together, you might just be able to screw in a lightbulb.  Of course, you’ll probably need at least 2 Cardinals fans there to explain how the ladder works and a Cubs fan to read the directions…..oh and a Pirates fan to open the package for them.

It’s not worth hating Gomes over his own stupidity, but it is worth booing him for being a worthless piece of carbon-based life.  I don’t wish him ill, but I wouldn’t tip him more than a penny, if he ended up as my waiter at an Outback restaurant.  Then again, I think that Outback has much higher standards for hiring than the Reds do. 

TIDBIT:  If I listed a 21st entry, it would be Adam Wainwright, because he’s got more class in his bad arm than Gomes has in his entire ego-addled self. 

Like it?  Feel like flying the “solo bird” the next time the Reds come to town?  Forget that and follow gr33nazn for some better ideas!

Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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