Yes, I’m really that bored, and I’m suffering withdrawals from Cardinals baseball. No, it’s just not enough to watch the playoffs. As the saying goes, I don’t have a horse in this race. I’m also not a Yankee hater, because I wouldn’t have an issue with the Cardinals behaving exactly the same way the Yankees do now. The Red Sox, Angels, and Phillies aren’t much different than the Yankees, and the Rangers are probably going to join that group soon. If anything, I’m just rooting against the Giants (specifically against Timmeh). Even that doesn’t demand my full attention. Instead, I’m passing the time by spamming Twitter timelines and talking to the office walls (no not really). For those of you who might need some ideas about how to pass the time, here are a few untested ones that deserve multiple disclaimers.
- Dress up as Fredbird and randomly “beak” drunk people on Halloween night. The look of sheer terror and confusion is priceless. (Not that I’ve done this…just heard about it from some guy.)
- Start a Winter Wiffle Ball league with a $250/team entry fee with all proceeds going to the winning team’s charity of choice. Losing teams sent to the gallows.
- Spend entire day at work communicating while using nothing but sports cliches like “give it 110%” and “hand down, man down”. Bonus points for chest bump celebrations for job well done.
- Spoof the Nike “Boom” commercial, record spoof, and post it on YouTube. Extra credit awarded for using anything involving Nerf products, Super Soakers, or pasta.
- Challenge all your friends to a White Castle cheeseburger eating contest. Allow them all to go first. When it’s your turn, calmly walk away.
- Teach your cat/dog to yodel.
- Start a fantasy bowling league.
- Re-enact the battle of Thermopylae using paper mache boats and firecrackers.
- Day dream of shooting Don Denkinger in the leg with an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle over and over and over. Be careful not to shoot your eye out.
- Introduce yourself to complete strangers as “Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire”. Claim to be the owner of both a mansion and a yacht.
- Obtain Burger King paper crown. Make your way to the nearest mall that has escalators. Place crown on your head and declare yourself “Royal PITA of Magical Up/Down Stair Thingy”. Proceed to mumble nonsense while riding escalators up and down. Repeat until removed by security.
- Resolve to do your Christmas shopping early to avoid crowds and get good deals. Wait. Wait a bit longer. Wait a bit too long. Go to the store only to find that the item you want for Aunt Lucy is out of stock. Order it online and spend an extra $20 on shipping to make sure it arrives in time for Christmas. Item only costs $30 anyway. Congratulate yourself for not really saving money. #omgidothistoo
- Beehive tetherball. (See also: Jackass 3D)
- Diet Coke and Mentos. Just add a group of your favorite nephews and nieces.
- Rent sumo suits. Find an empty swimming pool. Use your imagination.
- Attempt to set a Guinness World Record. Any world record.
- Invent your own hybrid language by combining words. Attempt to include hybrid language words into professional presentations and emails without anybody noticing.
- Refer to all objects as i<name>. Examples: iClock, iTv, iCar, iHome, iChildren.
- Film your own survival show using your cell phone. Name it something like “Human versus Place in Nature”. Attempt to survive the night in your own town with nothing but a backpack full of toiletries, clothing, credit cards, cash, and some silly putty.
- Participate in a potato gun tater launching contest.
- Two words. Cow tipping.
- Two more words. Snipe hunting.
- Use Mayan Doomsday Calendar as a prolonged drinking game. For each day that passes, take 8 drinks.
- Make all important yes/no decisions by playing rock/paper/scissors (best 2 out of 3) for one month.
- For exactly one week, answer your cell phone by saying “Thank you for calling USA Prime Credit. My name is Peggy. What is problem, please?”
- Find the Geico pig that goes “weeee” all the way home and stab it. I’ll pay you. No, really. I will.
- Carry a whistle around your neck. Blow the whistle loudly every time someone comes within 5 feet of you. Claim that they are violating your personal space. Call it a “bubble violation”. Add hand signals like a referee would use. Feel free to tack on yardage.
- Try a new sport this winter. Tricycle croquet? M&M Bonging? Major League Dreidel? (This one is actually real.)
- Build an Adobe-like dwelling out of that crappy Wheaties Fuel cereal and water.
- Start a blog, so I have something to do to help pass the time until spring training gets here.
Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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