30 More Stupid Human Tricks

by on January 15, 2011 · 1 comment

Originally titled “30 More Fun Ways to Pass The Time Until Spring Training“, I thought I needed a shorter title that would work better on Twitter.  It’s really the “Part Deux” to the first “Fun Ways” post that was posted last year and may be found here.  Admittedly, it’s all completely juvenile, tongue-in-cheek, “oh-no-he-didn’t-really-write-that” attempts at humor, but I hope that you snicker at a minimum of 9 out of 30.  If so, then I’m batting .300, and that was good enough for John Kruk. 

As of today, there are less than 30 days until the Cardinals’ (and everybody else’s) pitchers and catchers report for spring training.  That still leaves plenty of time for us to amuse ourselves one way or another, and you can only spend just so much time eating 7 lb burritos.  Since I’ve already created one highly unsuccessful list of ways to pass the time until spring training that amused all 3 of my dedicated readers, I think it’s time for yet another awesome list of awesome things.

  1. Make every possible attempt to lure/bait/coax a friend or colleague into authoring something worthy of “Texts From Last Night” consideration.  Ensure that their content is submitted, because that’s what friends/colleagues do.
  2. Start a petition drive to name the “spork” the official national utensil and require that it be used at the White House for all state dinners.  Proper sporks are always made of cheap plastic and are never sturdy.  Spork etiquette demands that the diner use narrow, rough paper napkins that disintegrate upon contact with water or air.
  3. Spend “Casual Friday” dressed as Ed Hochuli.  Wear your “Tickets to the Gun Show” novelty t-shirt over your referee gear.
  4. Challenge random strangers to a charity team beer pong event. 
  5. Build generic stadium replica using nothing but glue and match sticks.  Add accelerant.  Ignite.  Record video in HD.  YouTube.  Send me the link.  (Keep a fire extinguisher handy.)  On 2nd thought, don’t ignite it.  Just build the stadium and post a picture of it. 
  6. Begin 2nd phase of Mayan Doomsday calendar drinking game.  For each day that passes in the game, take 12 drinks. 
  7. Attempt to save money on all gifts this year by making items.  Claim that homemade gifts add a “personal” touch.  Accidentally burn a hole in the $1500 sofa with your wood burning kit.  Replace sofa.  Buy real gifts to replace the homemade gifts you failed to actually produce. 
  8. Buy a giant fluffy dog bed.  Put your own initials on it.  They are a lot more comfortable than you realize.  Don’t judge.
  9. For those of you who live in northern parts of the country, I highly recommend learning to do ice sculptures.  Nothing endears you to neighbors quite like ice chunks and chain saws.  Thank me later.
  10. Convince Nintendo and Michelle Wie to work together on a video game.  Wii Wie Golf.  You could make the same suggestion using Pee Wee Herman, but the game would have a different rating.
  11. Practice your battle rap skills during your lunch hour.  Invite co-workers to participate.  Insist on repeatedly watching scenes from “8 Mile” during coffee breaks.  Wear a hoodie.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Refer to yourself as “Rabbit”. 
  12. Douse your boss with Gatorade to celebrate workplace accomplishments such as inventory completion and the successful return from lunch of all co-workers.
  13. Stand up at 2:00 pm every day and declare it “7th inning stretch” time.  Sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game“.  Do it loudly.  Insist that everyone around you root for the home team.  Demand that peanuts and Cracker Jacks be stocked in the nearest vending machine.  For added effect, do your best Harry Caray impression. 
  14. Dress up as Milton from “Office Space”.  Wield your stapler in a fierce way.  Claim that you haven’t been paid in over a month.  Move your office to the basement of your building.
  15. Set up a Twitter spoof account named “notgr33nazn” and see how long it takes you to surpass my actual “gr33nazn” account in followers.  If it takes less than a week, I’ll have a sad.  Really, I will.  Heck, I’d even follow you.
  16. Eat an 8 pound burrito.  Bonus points for eating the aforementioned 8 pound burrito using a spork.  Double the points for eating the burrito with a spork while dressed up as Ed Hochuli and sitting on your monogrammed giant fluffy dog bed.  If you happen to be wielding a stapler or a chain saw, then you are officially greater than any living human being except for Chuck Norris. 
  17. Offer to babysit your nephews/nieces.  Teach them to belch the alphabet.  I recommend something like Diet Cherry Coke or Dr. Pepper.  (Not that I’ve done this or anything.  Seriously, I haven’t.)  C’mon.  This is educational.  Hello, the alphabet is involved.  It’s called learning.
  18. Re-enact your favorite Sesame Street scene in a non-creepy way.  Who doesn’t want to yell “10….Coconut….Cream….Pies!”, and then fall down a set of stairs.  Kind of sounds like the behavior of a drunk person to me, but we watched that guy do it over and over and over.  Admit it.  You did and laughed each and every time.
  19. Dress up as your favorite character from a movie like Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, or Indiana Jones.  Go to the nearest place with awesome video games – like Dave and Busters.  Convince your friends to dress up as well, and talk them into joining you (in character).  Wipe out evil.  Bonus points for wearing geeky looking bluetooth headsets.  House of the Dead and Time Crisis are great stress relievers and include a lot of violence.  Stop picturing me as Lara Croft.  Keep in mind that I just tried to eat the 8 pound burrito from suggestion 16.  Stop picturing me as Lara.  I’m not wearing those tights……again.
  20. Film your own tv show.  Call yourself the “Fish Whisperer”.  Claim to be able to catch fish simply by having friends take you to the middle of a large lake in a canoe and chant Beatles songs.  Start with “All You Need Is Love” and end with “Eight Days A Week“.  Offer to give everybody with you a haircut. 
  21. Verify that someone had indeed in fact freed Willy.  While you are at it, try to locate Waldo and Carmen Sandiego as well.  Inquiring minds want to know.
  22. Just to up the ante on “Beehive Tetherball“, I give to you…..”Beehive Kickball“!!!  C’mon and just play one inning.  For the record, I’d probably want to be the “away” team on this one.
  23. Make your way to the nearest Kia dealership.  Demand to speak with the hamsters from the Kia Soul commercial, because you feel that they will be willing to work a better deal on a car than the ordinary salesperson.  If the rapping hamsters cannot be located, then leave. 
  24. Intensely stare directly through presenters during business meetings and appear to take copious amounts of notes.  Make a show of turning off your PDA or cellular device, and immediately return to staring and taking notes.  Loudly clear your throat during slide transitions for effect.  Near the end of a presentation, forcefully snap your pen in half and grunt about the inferior quality of the products and services around you.  Return to staring.  At the end of the presentation, vigorously clap and do not smile.  In a monotone voice, thank the presenter, and then walk directly out of the meeting with your completed Mad Libs book hidden neatly inside your portfolio.
  25. Every time you walk into a room, imagine that the music from Jurassic Park is playing as your intro music.  It helps with your posture, trust me. 
  26. Go to the nearest go-kart track.  Put everybody into the wall during the first 2 laps in order to secure the victory.  As you leave the track, declare “rubbin’s racing”, and then proceed to thank the crew of the Mountain Dew Jim Beam Extenze Nyquil Duracell Coca-Cola Go-Daddy Honda for helping you give 110% out there today.
  27. Create some ridiculous or horribly offensive Facebook page, and then suggest that everybody you know on Facebook “like” it.  Possible names for the page include: “Celebrities Who I Thought Were Already Dead“, “Songs That Suck A Lot Less After The 30th Time I Hear Them“, “Movies That Have That One Guy With The Face That Looks Like So-And-So In Them“, or “Nickelback Sounds Original“.
  28. Engage in all sorts of tomfoolery.  Do so in a safe and orderly manner.  Do not taunt anyone while engaged in tomfoolery or while preparing to engage in acts of tomfoolery.  If you are unable to engage in tomfoolery, then consider shenanigans instead.  Wear all necessary protective clothing and follow all precautions.  If shenanigans are not permitted, then I suggest hijinks. 
  29. Verify whether or not your seat cushion can truly be used as a flotation device.  Don’t ask me how.  You figure it out.  You’re pretty smart.  You’re clever enough.  Figure out just how unlikely the event of a water landing truly is.  If a water landing is likely, then ask if your flight is being flown by Captain Chesley Sullenberger.  If the answer is “yes”, then you know that you are being lied to.  Captain “Sully” retired. 
  30. Start a sports blog.  Call it something original like www.pitcherbatsbetween7and9.com or something like that.  Write stuff.  Send me the link. 

TIDBIT:  The original working title for this blog piece was “30 Ways Not to Get Arrested Amusing Yourself Until Pitchers and Catchers Report“, but I thought that was terribly optimistic of me.  Since I hadn’t written a single idea, I was afraid that I might not actually be able to fulfill the lofty goal of the “not to get arrested” part of the title.  It’s not my fault some of you people can’t use discretion around billboards and/or railroad crossings.  See, there are some cases when DADT applies.

BITS OF TID:  As an active member blog of both the United Cardinal Bloggers and the Baseball Bloggers Alliance, PH8 is networked to literally hundreds of brother, sister, and cousin blogs, and a lot of those blogs take time to show us linkage love from time to time.  I appreciate the time and space they dedicate to us, and I can’t say “thank you” enough for their attention and kind words.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t try.  Therefore, I give to you some linkage love for some of my personal favorites, some recent pieces that I highly recommend as “should-reads”, and a few top shelf pros who really “do work” as well.

Linkage Love:

  • Kudos to CardinalsGM for taking the time to compile some links on a snowy day for the rest of us to enjoy.  Give the GM a follow on Twitter.  No, he’s not John Mozeliak.  He’s better.    
  • If you haven’t made your way over to Aaron Miles’ Fastball, then go sign up as an email subscriber right now.  Seriously, just go open another browser tab/window and do it.  The name is good, and the writing is better.  Go ahead and give the author a follow on Twitter as well. 
  • If you happen to have the same step-team as I do (Padres), then Geoff Young at Ducksnorts is a must-have for your Google Reader (or whatever it is you use).  He is also on Twitter under the surprisingly clever alias of “Ducksnorts“. 
  • Another good one for my step-team is the Friarhood.  Great example of what a happens when a site takes it to the next level.  Follow along with the Friarhood on Twitter if you like.
  • For some out-of-the-box thinking and interesting angles, I highly recommend Paul Lebowitz.  Twitter users may know him better as @PRINCE_OF_NY (highly recommended follow).
  • For a seriously good snicker about baseball and everything that may or may not be related to baseball, check out RSBS (@RSBS on Twitter). 
  • One of the staples in my Google Reader is I-70 Baseball every day.  The site covers both the Cardinals and the other team in Missouri, but I still read their stuff anyway.
  • I can’t tell you how much I read the stuff over at FanGraphs, and the NotGraphs portion of the site is stylistically just up my alley.  Check out the recent story titles, and you’ll quickly figure out why. 
  • Finally, no list is complete without the ladies of Cardinal Diamond Diaries.  Set aside your pre-conceived notions of talk about skinny jeans, Cardinals apparel, and hunky ballplayers (well, maybe scratch that last one) .  The CDD ladies are all about brush back pitches, trade analysis, basebrawls, and Hot Stove chatter. 

FINAL BIT O’ TID:  Congrats to my cousin A and her hubby J on their daughter E turning 1.  The force is strong with this one, and Cardinal Nation is just that much better for it. 

Like the list of 30 ridiculous ideas?  Wish you had your “Tickets to the Gun Show” novelty t-shirt already?  Find gr33nazn on Twitter, and we’ll discuss the finer points of eating a 7 lb burrito with a spork! (no, not really)

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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