With 47 custom shovels at the ready to commemorate the event, a small army of Burberry-clad townsfolk braved the chilly weather in downtown St Louis. They gallantly stepped outside of their luxury automobiles long enough to break ground for the first phase of Ballpark Village (BPV). While this day has been long in the making, it should be noted that building a one-of-a-kind monolith to capitalism, baseball, and capitalism (again) is never easy.
Once you get past the conceptual drawings, roughly hewed schematics, and artist’s renderings, you’ll find that BPV represents very little of what STL has to offer. It is far more than just a nod to the overindulgent deep pocket crowd working feverishly to collectively pat itself on the back for this achievement. Okay, maybe it really isn’t more than that, but grandiose displays of wealth have a certain charm anyway.
Still, the average person who pays taxes and thinks twice about spending $15 for a beer at the stadium needs to know what is going into BPV. So, here you’ll find the definitive guide to what will and probably will not be found at BPV upon completion.
Definitely will be found…
- Exotic foreign label beers like Budweiser and Bud Light
- Popular domestic beers like Budweiser and Bud Light
- Overpriced merchandise for sale
- Overpriced food on par with the local Hooters family restaurant
- Homeless people
- Vince Coleman patio with tarp for rainy days
- The priceless single tear drop shed by a member of the DeWitt family over the loss of softball in downtown St Louis. The tear purportedly has 10x the healing power of a mermaid’s tear and is only surpassed in efficacy by those of Chuck Norris who does not actually cry.
- Baseball players you can’t remember hovering to sign anything you leave on your table
- A deer carcass or two courtesy of Mayor Slay
- Ozzie Smith‘s Pawn and Check Cashing Place
- Habitats of the Wolf Pup conservation project featuring Lance Lynn
Not likely to make the final project…
- Don Denkinger tribute complete with a blind tattoo artist who will happily tattoo “1985 World Series Champonions” somewhere between your knees and upper back.
- High tech security cameras provided by Chuck Berry Bathroom Cam Corp.
- Steve Kline single finger salute drawing booth
- Dan McLaughlin Driving Experience Go Kart track
- Brendan Ryan and Tyler Greene featured in a “Great Shortstops of the Past” section
- Meet Team Fredbird and Jaime Garcia room sponsored by Mattress Giant
- WS parade routes of the Chicago Cubs for the past 100 years
- Keith Hernandez mustache photo booth set in a windowless van
- Dedicated seating area for AT&T/T-Mobile smartphone users with micro-antennae for high speed data…..(deemed technologically impossible)
In other words, be prepared for a fully sanitized and sanctioned version of what St Louis really is. Great baseball city? Sure. Just know that we drink, swear, and throw remotes just like everybody else. We just try to keep it out of the news. Huzzah for the great monument to managed perceptions, y’all!
Follow gr33nazn on Twitter for more about BPV (not to be confused with HPV which is bad)!