Feeling like you may have a touch of the 96-hour flu coming on? Have a tummy ache that seems destined to make you feel tethered to your bathroom for a few days? Decided you cannot possibly miss Chris Carpenter’s return to the rotation at 1:20pm on Friday against the Cubs? Wait….wut?
Obviously Mike Matheny wasn’t being very considerate when he took a look at the rotation schedule and decided to drop Carp into the mix for a day game. After all, Cardinal fans thought it would be almost a year before they would see Carp pitching in a game that counts for something. Not so fast. Carp went completely postal on his rehab work, and he’s ready for game action this year. That likely means that many of you need an excuse to get out of work for at least a half-day on Friday. If so, we’ve got you covered.
- You have developed a nervous tic due to an aversion to the song “Friday” by Rebecca Black, and any mention of the word could cause temporary loss of vision, nausea, vomiting, and an outbreak of puss-filled lesions.
- Your doctor has just diagnosed you with the bubonic plague, and you are being sent to the CDC in Atlanta for further testing. Your flight leaves at exactly 1:20 pm, but you must wait at home for the FedEx drive to deliver your containment suit.
- You somehow managed to lodge the remnants of an 8-lb burrito in your right ear, and no client needs to see that.
- You were tragically injured while jousting on a unicorn, and the gaping chest wound simply cannot be covered by clothing right now.
- You lost all of your business attire when your local dry cleaner was destroyed by a meteorite the size of a Volkswagen bus.
- While taking out zombies in close proximity to your house, you accidentally shot a hole in your car’s engine. AAA requires a 1/4 mile safe zone, so you have to spend the next several days eliminating all the zombies in your neighborhood.
- You have been granted the highest honor in geekdom, and the local Dungeons & Dragons chapter has asked you to be the dungeon master for the next sleepover. In order to prepare for this honor, you must not bathe or expose yourself to sunlight for the next 6 days.
- You absolutely, positively took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
- Due to an abnormal amount of random profanities spewed at total strangers in public places, your family has moved forward with plans for an intervention. The first step in your treatment program involves total cutoff from human contact for the next week. The doctors believe that this may be a seasonal issue, but they have declined to specify which season is to blame.
- You started work on your scale model of Ballpark Village, and you super glued yourself to the 1/8 scale model of Don Denkinger going through the giant corn maze.
Follow gr33nazn for more ideas of how to explain your work absence Friday!