As the Reds prepare to host the Cardinals this weekend, I thought it might be necessary to help the host team out with a few friendly suggestions about how to stay hospitable and maintain the highest level of decorum they can muster.
- Don’t do “The Wave”. It’s pathetic in any stadium, and it just looks really bad when you can’t figure out which direction it should go. If you are going to do it, at least try to go horizontally this time.
- Don’t tap Yadi’s shinguards, chest protector, or even a bobblehead of Yadi. “Angry Yadi” is a far better hitter than just regular Yadi, and regular Yadi is currently hitting .294. Yadier Molina is a bad, bad man.
- Keep Johnny Cueto on a short leash. No, I mean on a real leash. He’s about as useful as an escalator with no power (think stairs with teeth).
- If you happen to see a “monster blast” home run, keep in mind that your team plays at the Great American Ball Park and NASA Launch Pad Test Facility. It’s like junior high softball field dimensions with the wrong numbers painted on the outfield wall. It’s kinda of like taking a 3-wood to a par 3 course or playing Wii baseball. Of course it’s a joke.
- When you announce that awesome paid attendance for each game in the series, remember to give thanks to the Cardinals fans who travel to your town. They probably comprise about 1/3 of the people who paid to be there. Actually, they are the ones who paid for the good seats. I’m watching. I know you drew 11,821 against Houston at home, and I’m not the least bit impressed. Step up your game. You played in front of an average paid attendance of over 40k in Stl. Step it up, Redlings.
- You might as well give away some tickets. I see that on StubHub tickets for one of the games against the Pirates go for as low as $1. Why bother? Just give them away and fill the seats. StubHub charges more in fees than you do for a lot of your tickets. Heck, it costs a fair amount just to print out a ticket at home. Oh, the pain!
- I heard about that incredibly clever menu item you created. “Smoked Cardinal” is pure genius, if by “genius” you really mean”classless”. Were you aware that St. Louis already had something named in honor of the Cincinnati Reds? Yes, they are called “urinal cakes”, and they can be found in restrooms located all around the stadium. They’ve been around for many, many years. Prior to that incarnation, the Cardinals honored the Reds with what we call “toilet paper”. It’s that stuff that Cardinals fans usually pack along with them to the GABP.
- You are perfectly welcome to keep Ryan Theriot for a few days after the weekend is over. Nobody in St. Louis really needs fashion tips from someone with a pathetically weak soul patch, anyway.
- I’m tired of hearing about Aroldis Chapman and his 106 mph fastball. I’ve seen him throw a couple times this season, and I’ve only seen him reach 98-99 a few times. Bring the real goods, or stop yapping about it.
- Your whole organization owes Jason LaRue a huge apology, a mansion, a yacht, a car, and maybe a nice dinner. You should probably invite him to throw out a ceremonial first pitch and cheer him like crazy, but that’s probably too much to ask. Seriously, you might want to try to make amends, since one of your punk players ended his career by being a little fathead. Never mind. LaRue has more class in his catching gear than you do on your whole team, but that’s mostly because you have Phillips and Cueto.
- Try to temper your enthusiasm about Adam Wainwright being injured. Less singing and dancing, and more humility. Cardinals players and fans don’t celebrate that mental issue that Phillips has, so why kick Adam when he’s down? He’ll be back at some point, and he’ll be fine. Phillips will always be the southern end of a northbound mule.
- By the way, keep clinging to that “2010 NL Central Division Championship” broom or whatever it is you have hanging up at GABP. Lot of good it did you. Way to represent. The NL Central could have sent the Astros and had the same results. Thanks for nothing. Don’t remind anybody of what you did last year. Nobody is really all that impressed. Whoops. I’m probably wrong. The approximately 14,000 Reds fans who regularly pay to attend your games are probably somewhat impressed, if they aren’t completely disinterested by the 4th inning. Remember, these are the same people who are fascinated by service staff in restaurants who can write their names upside-down on paper table covers using crayons.
- Save yourselves the trouble of the Joey Votto versus Albert Pujols comparisons as well. In his ages 23-26 seasons, Votto compiled a total WAR of 13.8. In Albert’s ages comparable seasons, he compiled a total WAR of 36.8. Votto has been getting it done since 2009, but Albert’s been the mang since 2001. Case closed.
- Recognize that you are playing near your talent max, and you are still a game behind a team that has already lost its ace pitcher for the season, has its superstar player off to a slow start, and is penciling in 3/4 of an infield consisting of “irregulars”.
- Just remember that if there is another division realignment in baseball, you probably belong in a division with Memphis. Memphis would need a slightly higher payroll, but the guys there deserve it. Don’t worry, though. You would have company there, because the Nationals should go along with you.
TIDBIT: Don’t think I didn’t notice that a Placido Polanco bobblehead doll would simply be a scaled down version of the real Placido Polanco. (No exaggeration required.)
Like it? Wonder why Votto was drafted in 2002 but didn’t make his MLB debut until 2007? Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and we’ll discuss this important question along with Polanco’s giant noggin!