I sincerely apologize to our 3 loyal readers for the delay in publishing this edition of “Not The News”, but there were some unavoidable delays outside of my control. News of the Cubs basebrawl was not accompanied by any video evidence, so I had to work late into the night to track down at least one good still photo of the aftermath. Rumors about a potential Zito buyout were rampant, but I needed to take time to confirm that they weren’t started by a simple typo. If someone had mistaken “ziti” for “Zito”, it would have all been one Giant, happy mistake. Finally, I had to make sure I had some clarity on Roman numerals and the equivalent of “4” (no, not really – just needed a 3rd excuse for delaying publication). Without any more stalling, here is the 4th of edition….
ARAMIS RAMIREZ VS CARLOS SILVA
Leave it to Mike Quade to try and put a positive spin on the tussle between pitcher Carlos Silva and infielder Aramis Ramirez (3B). According to manager Quade:
“That last Care Bears pillow express from Silva was probably the best velocity we’ve seen from Carlos all spring. Great location, too. He must’ve fooled Aramis with it, because he just stood there kinda dumbfounded and just about took it off the chin. In all fairness to Ramirez, though, he took some good swings with his Annakin Skywalker pillow until the fluff started flying out of it. He went to his Bieber backup pillow, but he wasn’t nearly as successful. Seemed to be protective of it and kept yelling ‘Don’t hurt the Bieber’. Not sure what to make of that, but I’m just thrilled that the fellas are out there getting their swings in and hitting something. That’s more than they usually do.”
BARRY ZITO BEGINS PREMATURE CELEBRATION WITH BASEBALL CAKE!
Upon hearing a rumor that the Giants may buy out his contract, Zito celebrates by promising to buy everybody in the room a giant baseball cake. Also, Zito demonstrates the proper etiquette for consuming the entire cake using only the thumbs; thus, he mocks all tv-watching animals that lack opposable digits during his premature celebrations.
Yes, a an article was published yesterday about the possibility that the Giants would buy out the rest of Zito’s contract and send him packing. Don’t bother reading the article. There were no real verified sources (and there usually aren’t). Something about a guy inside a club with access to a highly secure bathroom and overhearing people talking about Zito being out-of-shape…..or maybe that was something about baked ziti in the shape of a giant bath sponge. Who knows? Who cares? Unless Zito just happens to return to form, the Giants are stuck with paying him $18.5M, $19M, and $20M over the next 3 seasons respectively to be one of the best 5th starters in baseball. He was good for a 4.15 ERA in 2010 and 4.03 ERA in 2009, and he pushed close to 200 innings in both seasons.
STL CARDINALS BAN WAVE DUE TO FEAR OF FAN INJURIES
It’s for your own good, folks. The wave has resulted in countless fan injuries over the years, and the Cardinals are taking a proactive approach during spring training this season. That’s right. They’ve banned the wave at Roger Dean for your own safety. According to the team’s On-Field Safety Directory For All Things Innane and Unseemly, Fredbird: “Beak, beak….nub, nub, beak, beak <insert t-shirt launch>, nub….beak, beak.”
PUJOLS STRIKES OUT 3 TIMES IN 1 GAME!
It’s shocking to learn that Albert Pujols struck out 3 times in a spring training game. Absolutely shocking….until you find out that he wasn’t even using a baseball bat. Yeah, now the truth finally comes out. It seems that Albert thought it would be more sporting to actually bat using just “The Force”. Rumor has it that Albert has only tried this method a few times, but he’s never tried it in an actual game. Yoda would be so proud, I’m sure.
JOHN MOZELIAK ABSENT-MINDEDLY CASTS THUMB-ON-FIRE SPELL DURING PRESS CONFERENCE
When asked about the number of healthy players on the team, Mozeliak jokingly indicates that the number is approximately “1”. In doing so, John someone manages to accidentally cast some “thumb-on-fire” spell that mesmerizes everybody in the room as he continues to speak.
MORE BITS OF TID: The writer responsible for the Zito article is Bruce Jenkins of the San Francisco Chronicle. In all fairness, I like some of his other work, but I didn’t think he really did this idea justice. We’re all guilty of rushing things a bit, so don’t take this as a personal shot at Bruce. He’s a professional writer, and I’m not. The Giants did manage to win a World Series while dragging Zito like an anchor. On the other hand, they just barely made the playoffs as well, so the margin of error wasn’t huge in 2010. That Zito contract is the equivalent of Carlos Pena + Orlando Cabrera and change, but it’s not like the defending WS champs are getting any sympathy from me on this one.
Like it? Can you use “The Force” to hit a curve ball? Follow gr33nazn on Twitter and let me know!