We now stand on the cusp of a great void. We face both a shortage of baseball and an absence of the salty elixir of life known as bacon. MLB’s scheduled time away from us happens every year, and it will return to us after many cold winter months of mourning. Bacon has given us no timetable for return. No hope. It has accompanied us through many a rough winter and an unknowable number of attempts to satiate our appetites for more bacon.
Bacon is the cowbell of the culinary world. The only thing that will satisfy the need for bacon is more bacon. Alas, shall I bemoan the lack of bacon with everything that is good and true in my soul. I’ll also miss baseball as well. Before we step together into that marvelous and miserable expanse of a world unknown to us lovers of both baseball and bacon, let us momentarily dwell on what remains somewhat tangible and real.
The Cardinals stand at 83-71 and have guaranteed a winning season in St. Louis. With just 8 games left to play, the Redbirds have somehow pushed, prodded, and pulled the magic numbers into single digits. Barring a Braves-like collapse reminiscent of 2011, the Cardinals should make the postseason. Of course, the Braves and Kris Medlen likely await them with a well-rehearsed embrace after last season’s epic collapse. It seems only right that the Braves should have an opportunity to align the planets in their favor this time around. Even I cannot deny that they deserve that chance.
Should the Cardinals somehow prevail they would then move on to face yet another team. And maybe then another. And then possibly yet another. Even if the Cardinals win every series to reach the World Series and push that penultimate best of 7 to the fullest distance, baseball will still end.
But what of its modest partner in crime, bacon? Will the inevitable shortage of this wonder food somehow strike its final blow before baseball calls its final out? Will the cold of summer’s ill-conceived twin somehow engulf us all in a void of both bacon and baseball?
One can only hope that we shall not be deprived of both. It is with heavy heart and a baseball snuggie that I light a small, bacon-scented candle for the world. Let it be a beacon of hope in an otherwise cruel world bereft of both bacon and baseball.
PS. I’ll miss you, bacon.
Click here for more about the bacon shortage! (Global catastrophe alert!) Bacon!
10 Facts About Bacon
- Bacon can neither be created nor destroyed, although it may be rearranged in space and changed into different types of pork products.
- Like Beowulf, bacon is both “epic” and “alliterative”.
- Bacon cannot simply be conjured into being. That is the first of 5 exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration.
- THE bacon comes
- on little cat feet.
- It sits looking
- over harbor and city
- on silent haunches
- and then moves on.
- The famous game “Rock, Paper, Scissors” was originally invented by 15th century monks to determine who should abstain from the last piece of bacon.
- “Bacon” was the least famous of the “Killer B’s” in Houston that also included, Bagwell, Biggio, and Berkman.
- On the subject of the continual search for more bacon, Winston Churchill once wrote: “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue seeking truth and bacon that counts.”
- The generic form of “bacon” is actually more famous than both Sir Francis Bacon and Kevin Bacon combined.
- In George H. W. Bush’s famous “A Thousand Points of Light” speech, the speechwriter, Peggy Noonan, actually wrote the line about a “thousand points of light bacon”, but HW omitted the “bacon” part as a nod to vegetarians in the audience.
- Particle physicists were at odds for years about naming the “Higgs Boson” the “Hoggs Bacon” and finally agreed on the former after learning that the general public cared more about bacon than particle physics.