The last earned run the Cardinals scored came on Monday evening in the top of the 6th inning against the Pirates. Matt Holliday hit a home run off of A.J. Burnett, and that’s the last time the team scored an earned run. Since that moment, opponents hold a 22-0 earned run advantage. So, during the scoring drought that excludes the pity run given to the team last night by Washington’s Ryan Zimmerman on an airmailed derpball, a few things have happened.
- Hurricane Isaac was downgraded to Tropical Storm Isaac to Tropical Depression Isaac, and the remnants of the storm have made it to Missouri in the form of PITA Isaac.
- Local gas prices increased $0.60 per gallon and have gone over the $4.00 per gallon mark.
- Nickelback wrote another crappy song that sounds like all of the band’s other crappy songs.
- Oprah gained another 4,500,000 followers on Twitter for tweeting stuff about books she wants you to read and all the ridiculous wealthy and famous people she hangs out with on a regular basis.
- Rafael Furcal suffered a season-ending elbow injury. Also, Cardinals broadcasters have called him “Ralphie” no fewer than 137 times in the last 3 games.
- Jonathan Broxton has been asked to leave 3 different Golden Corral restaurants for abusing various ladles, gravy bowls, and a chocolate fountain.
- Matt Holliday has lifted approximately 48,000 pounds while working out between/during games.
- Tyler Greene hit his 4th home run for the Astros. That brings him to 13 in his career with the last 4 coming in just 17 games with Houston. The latest blast caused many to suggest that the Mayans were right about the end of the world. The harsh reality here is that they were wrong, but Tyler Greene is actually part Mayan.
- Jackie Joyner-Kersee’s creepy commercial for Vinson Mortage has played 61 times on FoxSports Midwest. “Seize the moment………………………………………………………………….and go for the gold.” No, Jackie. No thanks.
- Some annoying group of politicians said a bunch of half-truths about another group of politicians. The latter group of politicians then responded with a bundle of different half-truths. Politicians – 2, Merica – 0.
- The song “Call Me, Maybe” was played nearly 3.5 billion times.
- David Freese gained just over 2,500 more social media “wives” who have changed their last names to “Freese” on their profiles. ZOMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! (and I’m only 9)
- The MLB Fan Cave gave away 4 dozen autographed baseballs in an attempt to buy
sheep….errr followers on Twitter.
- Bryan Anderson hit a double as the 8th string catcher for the Cardinals. He’s batting 1.000 in the big leagues this year, so there is that.
- 351 articles were written about whether or not the Nationals should actually shut down Stephen Strasburg. All 351 were read to Strasburg by Bryce Harper as bedtime stories.
- The Cardinals have stranded a total of 42 runners.
- Someone reanimated Clint Eastwood long enough for him to make an appearance as a slightly disheveled public speaker in Florida. Sadly, “Dirty Harry” used to be kinda cool, but he has now starred in a movie about baseball. With Amy Adams. If that doesn’t cry out “Pay for my Depends!”, then nothing does. Also, I believe the name of the movie is “Real Women Throw Curves” or something like that.
- The Mars Rover, Curiosity, sent the latest Will.I.Am release to Earth. From Mars. I consider this apropos, because we all know Will is not of this Earth anyway, and now we know the location of his secret recording studio previously dubbed the “Fortress of Sounditude”.
- Instagram users added over 475,000 pictures of cats doing absolutely nothing unusual, and they are all the cutest EVAH!
- Roger Clemens took additional steps to secure his top 10 ranking as one of the most reprehensible and studiously callous jerk stores on the planet by making moves to restart the clock on his HoF 5-year voting clock.
- Also, bacon.
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