Suggested Sponsors for MLB Teams

by on July 26, 2012 · 4 comments

The latest kerfuffle in baseball involves the suggestion that MLB could allow corporate sponsorships of teams, and those sponsors would be allowed to place logos on uniforms.  While the idea most certainly has some appeal for the Emperor of the Dark Force, Bud Selig, it sounds like a horrible idea to most rationale people.  Would the famous “Birds on the Bat” be the same with a huge “Vinson Mortgage” patch on it with Ray Vinson’s botox-solidified face staring at you?  Nope.  Regardless, minions like us have no say, but we do have some suggestions.

AL East

  • New York Yankees – Manchester United.  If you want to bash an evil empire, then make it the biggest evil empire in sports history.  Go big or go home…..to your palace or 3rd home in the Hamptons.
  • Baltimore Orioles – National Geographic Channel.  Why?  Because nobody has taken as many plunges into the abyss as the Orioles have.
  • Tampa Bay Rays – Mapquest.  The Trop is located in St. Petersburg and not Tampa Bay.  You would be shocked at the number of professional media members who still remain unaware of this little tidbit.
  • Boston Red Sox – Dunkin Donuts.  No brainer.  If you can watch a Red Sox game for more than 15 minutes (or 3 Josh Beckett pitches) at Fenway and not get the urge to eat donuts, then you are a stronger person than I am.  The more obvious answer here is “Samuel Adams” in case you were wondering.
  • Toronto Blue Jays – Bodog.com.  If ever there was an over/under sucker bet for a team finishing above or below .500, it’s the Blue Jays.  The team has gone 81-81, 85-77, 75-87, 86-76, 83-79, 87-75, and 80-82 in the past 7 seasons.

AL Central

  • Chicago White Sox – Hanes.  White socks.  Also, it’s a Chicago team, so Michael Jordan could reprise his role in the commercials with that annoying guy in the airplane.
  • Detroit Tigers – Calvin Johnson.  With the contract that “Megatron” has to play football, he has the cash.  Also, it would be great to paste the outfield walls with images of Johnson catching things, because Miguel Cabrera could use the inspiration.
  • Cleveland Indians – Mohegan Sun Casino.  If you are going to stick with a name that invokes passion on both sides of the debate about whether or not it mocks or pays tribute to American Indians, why not just bring in some American Indians?  Besides, anybody who has watched the Indians for the past few years needs a getaway.
  • Kansas City Royals – Denny’s.  No team keeps fans up late agonizing over what they should have or should not have done like the Royals.  What better place to be up late than Denny’s?  Also, you can’t have someone nicknamed “Country Breakfast” without actually being able to supply people with a legitimate country breakfast.  That’s like a rule or something.
  • Minnesota Twins – Kohl’s.  The parallel themes of spending too much money on things that simply won’t last has some serious legs here.  Just imagine Joe Mauer doing a commercial for Kohl’s when his shirt sleeve just falls off.  Do it.

AL West

  • Texas Rangers – Chuck Norris.  The possibilities are endless here.  The Rangers could host a “Walker” day which entitles fans who complete a roundhouse kick to a free hot dog or something.  Also, the idea of Chuck Norris as Robin Ventura re-enacting the Ventura vs Nolan Ryan beatdown would be epic.
  • Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Victoria’s Secret.  Angels + Angels = WINNING!
  • Oakland Athletics – Columbia Pictures.  The studio that actually made the whimsical farce “Moneyball” movie could try to con more people into suspending disbelief for a while.
  • Seattle Mariners – Starbucks (duh).  If you plan on watching more than 2 games a year involving the Mariners, you will need to be highly caffeinated.

NL East

  • Washington Nationals – Any Washington Super PAC would do.  Why?  Because it takes a true team of expert politicos to whine about how a team full of high draft picks aren’t getting the respect they deserve for whatever it is that they have done.  Seriously, the Nationals followed a great blueprint.  Use lousy players to lose a lot of games, draft high picks for a few years, save pennies until the right time, and throw everything together at the same time.  Really, the blueprint sounds a lot like an presidential election year.
  • Atlanta Braves – Coca-Cola Corporation.  Imagine an entire stadium filled with red and white seats.  Then imagine those seats filled with people singing the “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing” song while holding lighters above their heads for night games.
  • New York Mets – The Madoff family.  This probably needs no explanation.
  • Miami Marlins – Macy’s, because nobody pulls off a big sale like these two.
  • Philadelphia Phillies – AARP.  This team is just a few years away from being used in the next installment of the “Grumpy Old Men” franchise.

NL Central

  • Cincinnati Reds – Def Leppard.  No 2 groups can fill half a venue quite like these guys can while still riding the waves of success that they experienced decades ago.
  • Pittsburgh Pirates – The Kardashians.  Nobody sits on a large quantity of booty quite like the Kardashians and the Pirates, and both are highly supportive of “revenue sharing”.
  • Milwaukee Brewers – Fran Drescher.  It’s only right that a team led by the reigning MVPee, Ryan Braun, be sponsored by someone with the whiniest voice to ever be heard on television.
  • Chicago Cubs – Nostradamus Society of America.  If/when the Cubs finally win a the World Series, you can be fairly certain that someone will find a lost quatrain attributable to Nostradamus about the “smaller of the paw animal defeating the great Gods of lightning” or something ridiculous.
  • Houston Astros – Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  It takes an egomaniacal group of designers to stick a bunch of boxes within lob wedge distance of home plate and put a giant “dirt feature” in centerfield.  Besides, the “Move that bus!” schtick from Ty Pennington would work great at the end of the season when the Astros “move” to the AL.

NL West

  • San Francisco Giants – General Mills.  The company could put the Jolly Green Giant in the team colors make him the mascot.  Imagine a 7’2″ dude walking around in a brown and orange toga while lobbing bags of frozen peas through a potato gun.  Yeah.
  • Los Angeles Dodgers – George W. Bush.  When I think of famous “Dodgers”, he’s the first one to come to mind.  Right or wrong, he just is.
  • Arizona Diamondbacks – Jan Brewer and the makers of Diamond Nuts.  If there is a better pairing of “nuts” in this world, you would have to make a very strong, cogent argument.
  • San Diego Padres – Gregorian Chanting Monks.  Imagine a group of monks singing every time someone hits a home run at Petco.  It would be like a “Hallelujah Chorus” for the long ball.  Also, it would be appropriate having monks celebrate each small miracle that is a home run at Petco Park.
  • Colorado Rockies – Sesame Street and the number “1″.  The Rockies have been in existence since 1993 and never finished better than 2nd in their division.  Maybe they just aren’t familiar with the number….

Feel free to play the “Name That Sponsor” game at home.  It’s a great alternative to frying an egg on your forehead in 110 degree heat.

Follow gr33nazn on Twitter for more ideas about how to make MLB better!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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{ 4 comments }

Jack July 26, 2012

Instead of player names on the back of Cards’ jerseys, just replace it with “839-9999.”

Dennis July 26, 2012

Alternatively, they could use the names of all the Vinson family members. Bobo, Cooter, Tater, and Willy-yam would work just fine.

OtterMatt July 26, 2012

With our luck, the team would be sponsored by Ted Drewes, and they’d force the players to play upside down or something.
Hell, it could only help Furcal’s fielding percentage.

Dennis July 27, 2012

Just think of the cold treats during the hot summer, though. Of course, the patch colors would be absolutely hideous, but that’s the price of sponsorship.

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