If you do not follow me on Twitter or live under a rock, you should know that 2 close friends of this blog have decided to get married. Why? Nobody knows for sure, but we have been assured that no shotguns will be involved, and they are not related in any way. Sadly, some people have expressed concern that more than a few people belonging to the blogging community lack the social graces necessary for attending such a splendid affair. With the help of someone who may or may not have read something by Emily Post at some point, I have taken a few moments to put together a list of etiquette rules specifically focused on baseball bloggers who plan to attend any weddings in the near future.
- The first rule of wedding attendance is that we do not talk about wedding attendance.
- The second rule of wedding attendance is that we DO NOT talk about wedding attendance.
- Proper attire – Leave the jorts and stained sweatpants in your mom’s basement. Only recently dry cleaned sweatpants meet the minimum requirement for attending a wedding. If your sweatpants happen to have pockets, please refrain from putting your hands in your pockets at all times. You know why.
- Please be sure to bring both your wedding invitation and at least 2 forms of government issued identification with you. Remember that gaining entry to a wedding event greatly resembles entry into the US from Mexico.
- Please keep your mullet in check. Properly maintained mullets should reach no farther than halfway down the back. Propriety demands that an extra allowance be made for carrying a plastic comb in your back pocket.
- If you insist on wearing a tshirt that looks like a tuxedo front, then please make sure that the tshirt is not covered in pizza sauce.
- While some wedding receptions may have a cash bar, please understand that pennies and nickels will only be accepted if first counted and placed into paper rolls.
- Please refrain from quoting Natural Light commercials for the duration of both the wedding and the wedding reception.
- If you must sneeze during the wedding ceremony, please refrain from wiping it on your sleeve. At the very least use your hat or the jacket of the person seated next to you.
- As you make your way into the basement for the wedding itself, please be careful on the wooden steps and watch for the low ceiling. Nothing spoils the bride’s entrance quite like someone moaning about blood on the concrete.
- Men – Put the seat down. I should not have to go into more detail.
- Ladies – Please put the seat down, because the men are bound to forget #11.
- It is perfectly acceptable to use social media tools during the wedding, but please pay attention to the public address announcer during all wedding commercials. The Dobb’s Tire and Auto one will be especially good in most blogger weddings.
- Cologne and perfume are both acceptable in moderation, although we ask that you avoid “bacon scented” ones. Also, Deep Woods Off is decidedly NOT a cologne or a perfume.
- While some of you may be serious connoisseurs of meat cooked over open flame, please refrain from bringing your 22-foot long smoker. The fire pits shall be numerous and brought to the proper temperature for roasting hot dogs and making schmores. Also, sticks will be provided, but there is no rule against crafting your own by whittling one from a fallen log.
- The person presiding over the wedding ceremony is a “minister”, “preacher”, “priest”, or “reverend”, so please do not refer to him/her as “your honor”, “your royal highness”, or “that person behind the lectern”.
- Despite your desire to put your vocal talents on display, it is considered unseemly to freestyle rap during the wedding procession. The same might be said for practicing your turkey call as well.
- If you are allergic to plastic utensils, you may bring your own metallic spork.
- Nobody cares about your fantasy league team.
- If you attempt to start the wave at any time, you will be electrocuted, shot with a musket in the groin, kicked by a blind camel, and drawn and quartered using ATV’s. After that, you will be dealt with severely. Remember that my pimp hand is strong.
- Cell phones and smartphones are allowed in the basement during the ceremony, but please avoid both “Angry Birds” and “Angry Birds – Rio”, because the associated shouting makes it difficult to hear the play-by-play announcer.
- Please wear shoes, and clogs are not shoes. Neither are flip flops.
- If you happen to attend the bachelor party, remember that what happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party. If somebody hears you mention that “this is where we made our own bungee cord” or “I told him to stop at 30 shots”, your man card will be suspended indefinitely.
- Dwarfs are people too.
- Ignore the groom’s new neck tattoo. He probably doesn’t read Chinese, and he doesn’t need to know that it stands for “Through the 5-hole”.
- If you insist on carrying on the tradition of putting “Just Married” and some noise attachments on the automobile the couple intend to use for leaving the wedding, please note the difference between a can and a barrel. There may be no more annoying sound in the world than an empty pony keg smacking the back of a Buick at every stop sign and cow crossing.
- It is generally considered uncouth to participate in “planking” or “Tebowing” during the ceremony, unless the entire group of attendees also participates. Just remember that the signs for each resemble closely the “hit and run” and “run and hit” signals. Also “1″ stands for fastball.
- In lieu of crappy gifts and/or expired gift cards, please send donations to the bride and groom’s Kickstarter project to make their yard look like their favorite baseball stadium.
- Do not bother to update your Facebook status during the wedding. Nobody reads that crap anyway, unless you are posting pictures of kittens driving golf carts or ugly babies that your sister-in-law insists is the “cutest THING ever”.
- If you insist on drinking during the wedding, please kindly remove your batting helmet with the 2 drink holders and long plastic tube straws. Most basements lack stadium seating, and we want everyone behind you to be able to see the large banner for Vinson’s Mortgage since Ray himself was kind enough to sponsor the event.
By no means is this list meant to be complete, but I hit the 1000 word mark minutes ago, and I’m far too lazy to write more. Besides, I have to go get my sweatpants dry cleaned.
Best wishes and God bless you both, Bill and Angela.
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