Not The News – Vol X

by on March 2, 2012 · 0 comments

2011 World Series MVP David Freese is actually Chuck Norris, and he’s a bad man.  After several viewers contacted us to report about some “irregularities” in the images of Freese shown on television, we naturally felt compelled to investigate.  After running several still shots through a complex digital filtering process involving both “copy” and “paste”, I was able to reveal the true image of “Freese” celebrating just one of his famous moments during the World Series.

Charles David Norris-Freese?

Interesting twist, no?  If anything, this visual evidence may provide some additional support for my argument that Chuck Norris wears David Freese pajamas.  The two obviously share some kind of connection as well as mutual admiration of one another.

 

MLB recently announced a change in the playoffs for this season.  Starting with this year, the playoff field will include 64 teams in effort to grow the popularity of the game.  Under the new format, the 64 playoff teams will consist of the following:

  • All 29 major league teams plus the Astros
  • Top 8 American teams from the Little League World Series
  • 2 All-Star teams comprised of Cuban defectors not currently in MLB
  • Top 8 non-American teams from the Little League World Series
  • The winners Orange Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, Independence Bowl, and the Army vs Navy football game
  • Top 3 teams from each of the SEC, Big East, Big 12, and Pac-10,11,12,14,17 (or whatever it’s called) conferences

Teams will be seeded into a tournament bracket format with the four #1 seeds being granted to the winners of the AL West, AL Central, Boston Red Sox, and a Yankee team to be determined later by ESPN.  All National League teams will be placed in the middle slots of each bracket to ensure that baseball maintains the integrity of the transition process by putting lower seeds in position to upset higher seeds in the early rounds.  In that regard, the MLB Commission for Realigning the Playoffs (or CRAP) has stated that “in no way does MLB intend to tamper with the advantage that previous wild card teams have enjoyed in winning the World Series”.

The sample bracket is show below….

ESPN MLB64 Tournament Bracket

 

Cardinals 1B, Lance Berkman reveals in candid clubhouse interview that he is actually Sgt. Slaughter.  Eyewitnesses confirmed that Berkman/Slaughter can often be seen roaming through the clubhouse at Busch while wearing camouflage fatigues and a warmup jersey.  In related news, Berkman denied any involvement with the “Super Troopers” movie, but some teammates were not so sure.  According to pitcher Chris Carpenter, Berkman once tried to pull him over in the player’s parking area and ticket him for “wearing girly sunglasses”.  No word on whether or not Carp was in fact wearing girly sunglasses or not.

Sgt. Slaughter Returns

 

Chicago Cubs reliever Jeff Samardzija has signed a deal to replace Fabio as the face of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”.  Samardzija will begin his tenure by starring in a series of commercials touting the product’s smooth and creamy texture.  In the first ad set to air on baseball’s opening weekend, Samardzija will be featured “making passionate eye contact with either the butter or the camera.

I Can't Believe It's Not

Word on the street is that Fabio was upset at the thought of being replaced by such a “miniscule man with a weak mullet”.  Indeed, Fabio, indeed.

 

The Tampa Bay Rays have provided the general public with the team’s promotional schedule, and one event that stands out more than the rest is the “Jon ‘Chucky’ Gruden Evil Bear” day.  Apparently, the team decided to honor Gruden for his success during his 7-year tenure as the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, because the Buccaneers could not be bothered to honor the man who won a Super Bowl for them.

Chucky Gruden Bear

Details are a bit sketchy as of right now, but the plan is to give this cuddly little bundle of warmth and unbridled fury to the first 10,000 kids under age 12 who do not scream at the bear and dropkick it on sight.  I don’t know about you folks, but nothing says “America’s pastime” to me quite like screaming kids and a possessed doll/bear hybrid.

 

Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and maybe we can get the “Yo Joe!” chant going for Berkman’s at-bats at home this season!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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