Hire Me MLB: I Have Teh Twitterz

by on February 27, 2012 · 6 comments

Aaron Sirius Miles Would Hire Me

Major League Baseball is looking to hire a real-time correspondent /social media intern for every team this season.  By my count, that’s 29 Major League team plus the Astros.  If you are interested in applying for the job, please click here or here.  If you are interested in what a submission for the position looks like, just feel free to peruse my submission (below).

Dennis Lawson – St. Louis

Stop your search.  This job was obviously designed for an experienced blogger (300+ posts about the Cardinals) with supernatural IT geekery skills who happens to be an amateur rocket surgeon.  I’m so good with social media that I can practically tweet while sitting on my iPhone in my own basement.  I have more social media accounts than I can remember, and I’m quite comfortable using the internet that Al Gore invented.

I claim ownership of both the #douchecanoe and the #WheelsOnTheBusGoUpsideDown hashtags, and my favorite Kardashian is Lamar.  I’m fluent in both sabermetrics and the Midwestern dialect of English.  I even invented a SABR category named “POOP”, although the organization has yet to officially recognize it.

I’m currently writing 2 books, and the working titles are “The College Years” (a bio on LeBron James) and “Love and Marriage The Kris Humphries Way”.  I expect to finish both projects about the same time I wear my skinny jeans out in public.

The Cardinals official Twitter account follows me.  This likely indicates that I’m doing something right, or I’m on some top secret watch list (or both).  I’ve followed the team since I was old enough to hold a fishing pole steady.   My statistical analysis of the Cardinals 2011 playoff chances have been published by the NY Times online, and that tiny media outlet ESPN has given me some linkage love.  Yes, “ESPN” is still Spanish for “sports”.

Whether you give me this job or not, it’s worth knowing that all your social media interns are belong to us.  It’s not elitism or the inner braggart coming out to play, either.  It’s just that I cross-referenced the Mayan calendar with Nostradamus’ work and some m-Universe quantum physics theory, and I determined that I really am the funniest guy you’ll find in 2012.  If the credentials aren’t enough, then just know that I own a ManFridge and am willing to bribe everyone with full access to it.

Some people would be satisfied with just submitting their “hire me please” (or is it “hire me pleas) and leaving it alone.  Not me.  I’m providing screenshots and an image that may or may not have been Photoshopped by me.

Click to Make Bigger (#twss)

This would normally be a humble sort of bragging, but I’m going after a job here.

One Sexy MF

You see me fridgin’, you be hatin’…..

Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, because I bring the funny (and the pain) in 140 characters or less!

Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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Craig F. February 27, 2012

I think you shouldn’t get the job for one reason.. I expected an immediate response from you in full man love language about Yadi and his almost contract.. jeez.. how long does it take you to write 8000 words?

Just kidding bro.

Dennis February 28, 2012

Man, please. I’ve got a ton to say about this almost contract, but I’m waiting until it is signed and the numbers are reported. If it really is for $15M/year, then I have to believe that there are no viable options to replace him on the horizon.

Craig F. February 28, 2012

I keep thinking about this.. and my feeling is this on Yadi

15 Million? Pay the man. I do not see anyone else at this point replacing him. He is so vital to our pitching staff and the Cardinals have been focused for the long term on developing young pitchers. You need Yadi to be there especially now with Duncan gone. I would anticipate at least 4 more excellent years of Yadi before any signs of decline. Maybe two subpar years after that. If the contract is for 5 years.. that feels right to me. That way when he starts the decline we can resign him to a more reasonable contract.

We will see if the contract gets done, but I think it is a good deal and the Cardinals need to get it done.

On the other side.. I still see the present influx of talent and the ideology behind it traced back to Jeff Luhnow and I for one am happy the Astros will be leaving the division. They might be terrible right now, but I don’t think that will last very long personally.

Dennis February 29, 2012

I’ve got a rough draft just waiting for when this deal becomes official. Until then, all I’ll say is that it’s hard to determine how much value he brings in terms of helping with the pitching staff. Quantifying that in a satisfactory way really involves a Magic 8 Ball and some dice. A lot, and I mean a LOT of catchers start to decline defensively around age 31-32. Even if he can keep hitting better than his career numbers, he may have his defensive numbers as a drag on his overall production.

Remember, this could very well be a 5 year EXTENSION on top of the 2012 season. Nobody knows for sure yet, but that would mean 6 more years of Yadi.

I have a lot of faith in Luhnow’s ability to get the job done in Houston, but he has a bit of a hole to dig out of right now there. I’ll be pleasantly surprised if they are really good in 4-5 years without some major luck coming into play.

LisaPisa February 28, 2012

I am so proud! You can do it! My Manfridge man.
I can’t wait for the battlecage rounds, to become the top Tweet. Major League Baseball, look no further, my hubby is simply the best.

Dennis February 28, 2012

A complete biased opinion on the ManFridge! Definitely need more of this. Thanks, honey.

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