Each year usually just prior to the beginning of baseball season, I make a short wishlist of all the things I wish the Cardinals would do throughout the year. Items like “Win the World Series” seem pretty obvious and do not belong on this wishlist. “Sweep the Cubs” is nearly just as obvious. See for yourselves:
- Bring back Jason LaRue for a first pitch at a home game against the Reds. Let him plunk Johnny Cueto. This does not condone revenge in any form. It would just represent a great way of burying the hatchet and getting past “The Brawl”. Also, it may save us all from another 150 replays of the stupid brawl.
- Sign Roy Oswalt. If the Cardinals do not sign Oswalt, then some other team will. That “other” team could be a division rival. Yes, the starting rotation appears to be in fine shape, but people think that just about every year.
- Ban the wave. Thank you for your support.
- Sell a special clock in the team store that features Adam Wainwright and Carlos Beltran. Be sure that the hands are always fixed with the big hand on the “12” and the little hand on the “6”. No, this never, ever gets old. Would I buy a clock that does not actually work? Yes, yes, and heck yes.
- Forget all about “planking”, “Tebowing”, and even “Bradying”. The newest craze is really “Gronking”, but even that will get old as soon as men start taking their shirts off and dancing on one foot. Start a campaign for “Skipping”. For those of you who don’t know (all of you), this form of “Skipping” involves diving headfirst into anything and everything you see.
- Get Mike Matheny to grow a mustache. Seriously. Josh (from that www.pitchershiteighth.com site) has agreed to get a neck tat, if Matheny grows a mustache that is on display during the season. Someone let Matheny know about this, because we can put together a drive for funds that can be donated to the charity of his choice. Money for doing less in his morning routine? That’s practically easier than “Skipping”.
- Do not allow Rafael Furcal to bat 2nd in the lineup. That is all.
- Keep Adam Wainwright in that bubble wrap suit between starts.
- When the Chicago Cubs come to town for a series, bring a live bear cub into Busch for the pregame festivities. Allow the bear cub to crush various objects. Why? Because baseball’s version of the Cubs don’t know how to crush anything.
- Sign Yadier Molina to a reasonable extension. This is not about the numbers or a man crush on Yadi (although that could be an issue, too). This one is about continuity and the other options. Are the Cardinals ready for Tony Cruz to be the man behind the dish? Even if Molina’s hitting drops back off to the usual levels, he is still worth far more than WAR. Besides, how many other All-Star catchers with multiple gloves are just waiting to be signed?
- Make “Scrappy” part of a year-long theme. Make it complete with “Scrappy Meals” at the concession stands with really short cups that feature famous scrappers like Aaron Miles and David Eckstein.
- Host another UCB Weekend for Cardinal bloggers, and allow us to use a tshirt cannon in a suite. It is worth pointing out that the Cardinals are 1 for 1 in World Series championships for years in which they hosted a UCB Weekend.
- Bat the pitcher 8th a few times just for ol’ times sake. Seriously. I have somewhat of a vested interest in this one.
- Cough up a few hundred dollars and sponsor any Cardinal players not already sponsored on Baseball-Reference.com.
- Remind everybody to remove their hats, caps, sombreros, and ski masks during the National Anthem. Ladies, too.
That’s my “Plea Deal” for the season. Now someone go make me a sammich.
Follow gr33nazn on Twitter for an even larger wishlist that includes nachos and the live sacrifice of gummy bears.