Pujols Signs With Angels, Gets Free Disney Passes!

by on December 8, 2011 · 20 comments

It’s official.  Albert Pujols has just signed a mega-contract with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California, USA.  Reportedly, the contract is for something like 10 years and $250-260M.  Huzzah!

Since there will be a veritable rat race to bring the factual news to the masses, I’m opting for a more subtle approach.  I’m going to give you nothing but speculation and nonsense, because that’s exactly what this occasion needs.

20 Reasons Albert Chose The Angels:

  1. The cost of rebranding his restaurant, Pujols Five, to “Not Pujols Five” was far less than originally projected.
  2. He has officially broken off his longtime bromance with Yadier Molina, although the two have apparently agreed to Skype one another once a week. 
  3. The Marlins refused to rename their new stadium “Jurassic Park” which Pujols suggested after actually learning of the park’s dimensions.  The Angels have agreed to rename their stadium “The Can“.  Once Pujols starts playing with the Angels, his home games will simply be referred to as “Prince Albert in a Can“.
  4. Dan Lozano could no longer keep a straight face when referring to a “mystery team” involved in the negotiations.  Lozano kept suggesting names like the Expos, Lakers, Brooklyn Dodgers, Washington Generals, Manchester United, Dolphins, Buffalo Bison, and the Bad News Bears.
  5. Albert felt an urgency to sign quickly after nearly getting injured trying to pass through Lozano’s entourage of courtesans. (Yes, I went THERE!)
  6. Albert confided to a close friend that the offer from St. Louis seemed much more lucrative when converted to the Sao Tome Dobra currency.  (3,660,286,210,134.00 Dobras = $200,000,000 US)  Unfortunately, it turns out that Disney Dollars are far more valuable than the Dobra.
  7. Team Pujols re-evaluated the cost of moving his family, their home, all of his trophies, and approximately 3,000,000 Cardinal fans to South Beach and decided the move was cost prohibitive. 
  8. Marlins would not include a contract stipulation that would require Marlins fans at home games to applaud all fly balls that leave the infield.
  9. Without a no trade clause, there was no guarantee that Pujols would still be in Miami to co-star in the next “Bad Boys” movie.
  10. Lozano recently learned that the “Florida Keys” are not actually home to singer Alicia Keys, so all bets were off immediately.
  11. As a man quickly nearing his 50′s, he decided that a timeshare in Cali sounded pretty darn good.
  12. His family simply couldn’t find a 15,000 square foot mansion on the water in St. Louis County that came equipped with both an indoor batting cage and a privacy fence tall enough to prevent neighbors from seeing Albert walk around the back yard in his Superman outfit.
  13. The distance between Missouri and the Dominican Republic was just too much to take, and boy were his arms tired from flying between the two.  To appease Pujols, the Angels have agreed to move the Dominican Republic to just west of Baja.
  14. The Angels offered a much better hovercraft for commutes to games.
  15. The Angels have also agreed to move training camp to Albert’s house for the next 5 years.
  16. Pujols has decided to become a 2 sport star, and his contract includes $5M/year from the Lakers. 
  17. Researchers discovered Albert’s original birth certificate, and they determined that he was actually born in Hawaii and is conveniently the same age as President Barack Obama.  He simply wanted to be closer to “his roots”.
  18. Albert’s family collectively decided that the name “Miami Marlins” reminds them of “M&Ms”, and they much prefer Snickers. 
  19. Albert has decided to play the next 10 seasons as a left-handed hitter in an attempt to break even more records than he already has.  The Angels are fine with this, and they have instituted a lineup position named “full-time DH, mang”.
  20. The city of Anaheim has agreed to rename “October” to “Mangtober” in Albert’s honor.

5 Reasons Why Albert Should Hire A New Agent:

  1. Dan Lozano’s suggestion that Albert’s new walkup music include the lyrics “Bow chicka wow wow” seems completely inappropriate and misaligned with Albert’s wholesome image.
  2. Scott Boras would have made a complete 3 DVD set of Albert’s highlights and forced at least 20 general managers to watch it over and over.  He may have included the iPhone/iPod version as well.
  3. Rumor has it that Jerry Maguire is available to represent baseball players now.
  4. When Lozano orders a “full loaded sandwich”, he’s not referring to a turkey and swiss.
  5. There are literally hundreds of literate Cubs fans who would gladly represent him. (Okay, maybe dozens.)

TIDBIT:  Yes, he went for the money, and I’m glad.  I wouldn’t want to see the Cardinals paying $25M/yr for Pujols.  Adios, Mang.  There are a lot of positives to this signing, and you just have to look for the iron lining (sorry, but AP took all the silver).

Follow me, gr33nazn, on Twitter for more utter nonsense and play-by-play of the Pujolsian media trainwreck!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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{ 19 comments }

Craig F. December 8, 2011

I feel I must get my angst out all in one shot.. so here it goes. When I get done typing this I will feel a little bit better.

Dear Albert

All those times you said you believe in God and he has a purpose for you.. that wasn’t God talking to you.

Sincerely Satan

Dear Albert

Remember when you told us you weren’t Stan Musial. I agree, Stan is the standard of integrity that you will never be.

Sincerely Every Cardinals Fan

Dear Albert

When you tell us you are a man of faith. Does a man of faith really deal with a man with the background of Dan Lozano? Even I don’t provide women for my clients as far as you know.
http://deadspin.com/dan-lozano/

Sincerely Scott Boras

Dear Fans

Remember, when they tell you it is not about the money.. it is always about the money.. the difference in this case it is a boatload of money.

Sincerely The Universe

Apparently money can’t buy:
Love
Integrity
Unwavering support of fans

What can 40 Million extra over 10 years buy?
40,000 Hours with a… hey wait.. nothing to see here
2.6 Million Cases of Budweiser
Albert Pujols

I do feel better! Yeah! Lets spend some money on someone that actually likes to play in front of the best fans in Baseball!

Dennis December 8, 2011

Nice job, Craig. Vent away! Make your comment a little longer, and you might have the makings of a guest post here on PH8.

Craig F. December 8, 2011

That was the short version of it for sure.

But to add on to the train wreck..

What can we do with 210 Extra Million Dollars we suddenly found in our pocket?

Avoid Prince Fielder at all costs. He reminds me of Carlos Lee for a really good reason. He is going to take way too much money to land. Based on his dad, who’s career took a land slide in his early 30′s. I wouldn’t give him more than a 7 year deal. My offer to him wouldn’t be more than 7 Years/154 Million – 22 Mil/Year.

With 210 Million we can a combination of:
Jimmy Rollins – 33 Years Old – Not my first choice and he is considered similar to Rafael Furcal by Baseball Reference. His Defensive Runs Saved per Average was -2 last year. Definetly not a good direction to go.

Seek a trade for Hanley Ramirez – The Marlins do not need him anymore after signing Jose Reyes. Do we want that headache considering the talent? I think of DeSean Jackson in this case and for all the talent that guy has.. I have no interest in him as a player since he is a knucklehead. No thank you.

Carlos Beltran – 34 Years Old and looks like a lot of his career is behind him. His overall numbers have been dropping significantly since his high mark in 2006. It could be the Mets but ya never know. I don’t like the direction his career is going however if you can get him for about half his salary I would bite.

Will Clark’s drive to be the best. I don’t know.. put it into someone and see where it gets you.

Buy the St. Louis Blues! Now that is an investment you will get return on.. unfortunately not baseball related.

Dennis December 8, 2011

First, I’ll admit to being impressed that you are a 2 shot guy….

Second, I’m not on board with going after anybody like Hanley, Beltran, or any other big name. If the Cardinals stick with the youth movement and plug the gaps with role players, they have the talent to be competitive for several years to come. If they don’t commit $$ to some aging star, then they can afford to keep their talent core around as well. My hope is that Mo and Company pocket the money for a rainy day.

Jeff December 8, 2011

Thanks for the laugh, man. Needed it. Totally agree with your last paragraph there too. Onward and upward (oh wait, we’re already on top! Well LOOKIE THERE!!!!).

Dennis December 8, 2011

Appreciate the support, Jeff. It’s worth pointing out that the Cardinals lost a 5+ WAR guy before 2011 started, and that season turned out okay.

stosh December 8, 2011

MOZELIAK SUCKS! Ahhh that felt good!
I wish Mozeliak was just another media idiot. Mozeliak is sly – he has taken all the pressure off of Matheny to field a winner next year. And cardinal “fans” – boneheads is more like it – are already rationalizing this lack of action. Albert deserves every penny he can get – HE IS THE BEST PLAYER IN THE GAME – the cardinals used him while they could. They gave millions to Matt “DH Holiday, they gave millions to Tony “should have been gone 3 years ago” LaRussa – now they tell PUJOLS to find his millions elsewhere. PATHETIC!
Wake up, Cardinal Nation – you have been screwed.

Dennis December 8, 2011

Interesting. I’m sure screaming that probably felt cathartic, so I’m definitely happy for you. Beyond that, I can’t really agree a whole lot with what you are saying.

Matt Holliday has been a 9.3 WAR player for about $33.7M in the first 2 years of his contract. In terms of production, that’s a good buy. As much as I appreciate Pujols as a player, I don’t think he still deserves the “best player in the game” title. If I had to start a team tomorrow, I would have a list of at least 5 players I’d rather have than Albert. Depending on that team’s makeup, I might even prefer someone like Adrian Gonzalez at 1B, because I believe he is a better defensive player.

To earn $200M+ based on production on the field, he’ll have to put up some seriously solid numbers late into his 30′s. It’s not likely, but it isn’t impossible. I just don’t think that is a gamble that a team like the Cardinals can afford to take with a payroll of around $115-120M (with AP). I’m more than happy to see them save the money they would have spent on AP and save it for contract extensions and a few minor upgrades.

In the short term, the Cardinals have a ton of flexibility now, and they no longer have an aging All-Star blocking 1B for all the minor league guys. In the long term, the Cardinals haven’t committed about 12-14% of their 2021 budget to a guy who will be 32 in 2012.

E.E. RIPPER December 9, 2011

Quick, name the “at least five players you’d rather have” than Albert.

Phil December 9, 2011

Tough day for Cardinal Nation. I wouldn’t worry about it too much and certainly don’t let it ruin your holidays. There’s an old saying I like;

Money talks and …………..walks.

Make your own application :-)

Nice post Dennis!

Phil

Dennis December 9, 2011

Thank you, Phil. This doesn’t truly worry me in any way. I’m glad the Cardinals didn’t overpay for 10 years of AP, and I have faith that Mo is smarter than the average bear.

E.E RIPPER December 9, 2011

Hi Dennis,
I’m back.
With all the money the Cards saved they could trade for the Cubs’ Soriano AND “Big Z” LOL!!!! All we-Cubs fans that is- ask for in return is a case of Bud, a bottle of 30 spf sunscreen & some of those yummy BBQ ribs.
Thanks for your consideration.

Dennis December 9, 2011

Nice. I’d take Tulo, Pedroia, Verlander, Kershaw, A-Gon, and Cano over him right now. Not saying they are all “better”, it’s just that there are simply a lot of productive 1Bs out there, but there is a dearth of premium players at some other positions.

Dennis December 9, 2011

Man, that’s asking a lot. The Bud and sunscreen wouldn’t be an issue, but BBQ from someplace like Pappy’s is really, really hard to let go. Tempting, but I’d have to pass based on the ribs. ;)

E.E. RIPPER December 9, 2011

I understand what you’re saying…lot of good 1B’s out there.
But back to THE DEAL..
C’mon were talkin’ THE BIG Z!!!!!
AND Soriano would provide you with about 10 X 10^-10 WAR.
Please just think about.
No, but in all seriousness I think the Cards did the right thing. I mean you’ve got Wainwright coming back. You have the Big Puma at a reasonable cost.. 25M/yr can fill A LOT of holes and still leave nice chunk in the kitty come the trading deadline.

Dennis December 9, 2011

Geez. You have no idea how much the Big Z annoys me at times. Seriously though, that Soriano contract has to be one of the worst 10 deals in baseball right now. Fortunately for Cub fans, it’s one of the few big ones left that really hurt.

I agree that the Cardinals did the right thing, and I think a lot of clubs would have shown less restraint. This may take some of the fun out of the Cubs/Cards rivalry for a while, though.

JE Powell December 10, 2011

Great post Dennis. I always enjoy your “20 Reasons…” posts. Good for a laugh, but still is informative. Keep up the great work.

Dennis December 11, 2011

Thanks a lot, John. When all this went down, I couldn’t do much more than laugh and poke fun at the absurdity of it all. Still feel that way now, and I doubt that will change any time soon.

JE Powell December 12, 2011

Cannot agree with you more. What can fans do? Move on, joke about it and root for the Cards in 2012!

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