It’s official. Albert Pujols has just signed a mega-contract with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California, USA. Reportedly, the contract is for something like 10 years and $250-260M. Huzzah!
Since there will be a veritable rat race to bring the factual news to the masses, I’m opting for a more subtle approach. I’m going to give you nothing but speculation and nonsense, because that’s exactly what this occasion needs.
20 Reasons Albert Chose The Angels:
- The cost of rebranding his restaurant, Pujols Five, to “Not Pujols Five” was far less than originally projected.
- He has officially broken off his longtime bromance with Yadier Molina, although the two have apparently agreed to Skype one another once a week.
- The Marlins refused to rename their new stadium “Jurassic Park” which Pujols suggested after actually learning of the park’s dimensions. The Angels have agreed to rename their stadium “The Can“. Once Pujols starts playing with the Angels, his home games will simply be referred to as “Prince Albert in a Can“.
- Dan Lozano could no longer keep a straight face when referring to a “mystery team” involved in the negotiations. Lozano kept suggesting names like the Expos, Lakers, Brooklyn Dodgers, Washington Generals, Manchester United, Dolphins, Buffalo Bison, and the Bad News Bears.
- Albert felt an urgency to sign quickly after nearly getting injured trying to pass through Lozano’s entourage of courtesans. (Yes, I went THERE!)
- Albert confided to a close friend that the offer from St. Louis seemed much more lucrative when converted to the Sao Tome Dobra currency. (3,660,286,210,134.00 Dobras = $200,000,000 US) Unfortunately, it turns out that Disney Dollars are far more valuable than the Dobra.
- Team Pujols re-evaluated the cost of moving his family, their home, all of his trophies, and approximately 3,000,000 Cardinal fans to South Beach and decided the move was cost prohibitive.
- Marlins would not include a contract stipulation that would require Marlins fans at home games to applaud all fly balls that leave the infield.
- Without a no trade clause, there was no guarantee that Pujols would still be in Miami to co-star in the next “Bad Boys” movie.
- Lozano recently learned that the “Florida Keys” are not actually home to singer Alicia Keys, so all bets were off immediately.
- As a man quickly nearing his 50′s, he decided that a timeshare in Cali sounded pretty darn good.
- His family simply couldn’t find a 15,000 square foot mansion on the water in St. Louis County that came equipped with both an indoor batting cage and a privacy fence tall enough to prevent neighbors from seeing Albert walk around the back yard in his Superman outfit.
- The distance between Missouri and the Dominican Republic was just too much to take, and boy were his arms tired from flying between the two. To appease Pujols, the Angels have agreed to move the Dominican Republic to just west of Baja.
- The Angels offered a much better hovercraft for commutes to games.
- The Angels have also agreed to move training camp to Albert’s house for the next 5 years.
- Pujols has decided to become a 2 sport star, and his contract includes $5M/year from the Lakers.
- Researchers discovered Albert’s original birth certificate, and they determined that he was actually born in Hawaii and is conveniently the same age as President Barack Obama. He simply wanted to be closer to “his roots”.
- Albert’s family collectively decided that the name “Miami Marlins” reminds them of “M&Ms”, and they much prefer Snickers.
- Albert has decided to play the next 10 seasons as a left-handed hitter in an attempt to break even more records than he already has. The Angels are fine with this, and they have instituted a lineup position named “full-time DH, mang”.
- The city of Anaheim has agreed to rename “October” to “Mangtober” in Albert’s honor.
5 Reasons Why Albert Should Hire A New Agent:
- Dan Lozano’s suggestion that Albert’s new walkup music include the lyrics “Bow chicka wow wow” seems completely inappropriate and misaligned with Albert’s wholesome image.
- Scott Boras would have made a complete 3 DVD set of Albert’s highlights and forced at least 20 general managers to watch it over and over. He may have included the iPhone/iPod version as well.
- Rumor has it that Jerry Maguire is available to represent baseball players now.
- When Lozano orders a “full loaded sandwich”, he’s not referring to a turkey and swiss.
- There are literally hundreds of literate Cubs fans who would gladly represent him. (Okay, maybe dozens.)
TIDBIT: Yes, he went for the money, and I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to see the Cardinals paying $25M/yr for Pujols. Adios, Mang. There are a lot of positives to this signing, and you just have to look for the iron lining (sorry, but AP took all the silver).
Follow me, gr33nazn, on Twitter for more utter nonsense and play-by-play of the Pujolsian media trainwreck!