The Cardinals have their backs against the wall, and the odds are against them. They need to leave it all out on the field tonight, give it 110%, and execute like never before. They need to ante up and kick in, kick the tires and light the fires, and hold nothing back. It’s time to pull out all the stops and go for broke. TLR better have the guys ready to treat each at-bat like it is the most important one of their lives, because there is no tomorrow.
Phew. Sorry about that, but I’m just trying to prepare you all for the inevitable cascade of bad cliches sure to be spouted by one person after another. With that out of the way, check out some of my suggestions for keeping your sanity intact and your cussjar from overflowing tonight.
- Find the mute button on your tv remote and use it early and possibly often. Better yet, switch over to the radio call, because Mike Shannon is bound to mumble things far more interesting than what Joe Buck and Timmeh McCarver have to utter.
- Look away from the screen when/if the camera pans to LaRussa picking up the phone to the bullpen. Imagine that the guy from the Verizon “Can you hear me now?” commercials is on the other end of the line screaming “What?!” back at TLR.
- Play the “Drunkest fan in the crowd” game. No, it doesn’t involve picking out the most obnoxiously intoxicated person in attendance during crowd shots. Instead, you play by imagining that you are at the game and are the most inebriated person there. Then think of all the things you might say, if you were actually at the game. Fill cussjar as needed. Note: If you are actually going to be at game 6, then you don’t have to play the “At-Home” version of the game.
- If you do insist on listening to the Fox broadcasters, then play a drinking game. Every time McCarver says something that makes no sense, take a shot…..of Pepto.
- Play St. Louis Cardinals Triva Deathmatch with your favorite Rangers fan. (I kid. This game should really just be played with fans of the Reds, Brewers, and Cubs.)
- Every time the Cardinals score a run, feel free to go streaking through your neighborhood. Tweet your location and claim that you are filming the beginning of “Terminator 4 1/2: Robots Gone Wild”. Optionally, go streaking through somebody else’s neighborhood, because chances are the people there don’t know you, and it’s good to meet new people.
- Set up a large cussjar on its side in front of a soft mattress. Obtain a lot of quarters. Instead of filling the cussjar with dollars, launch quarters at the cussjar. Extra credit: Use a radar gun to check your pitch speeds.
- If you have kids, please arrange to have a babysitter for the night and watch the game elsewhere, or send them to bed before the 5th inning. They don’t need to see you crying or punching any LCD screens.
- Wrap your tv remote, dvr remote, and/or cell phone in bubble wrap. This will limit the damage in the event you decide to throw one or more of them. Just keep in mind that it is socially acceptable to spike anything within reach during a celebratory dance.
- Explain to your friends and loved ones that it is perfectly normal to carry on a conversation with a tv during a World Series game. Also, remind them that you own a potato gun and are not afraid to use it.
- Ask everyone who intends to watch the game with you whether they like movies about gladiators. Consider it the viewing party litmus test. Make no references about a “grown man” in a state of undress. That’s only okay in movies.
- Use sippy cups instead of mugs or glasses for all beverages.
- When inquiring as to whether any of your family or friends need anything while watching the game, shout in a loud voice like ballpark vendors do. It will add to the experience and make it feel like you are “there”, even when you are not. As an added bonus, someone might actually give you a cash tip.
- Remember that there is no shame in wearing an adult diaper during a sporting event.
- If you have an iPhone 4s, please ask Siri baseball-related questions during the game and post them in the comments section here. I’m really interested in finding out what the response is to “Is Motte ready?”. Also, I’m interested in finding out if the response changes when you ask a 2nd time.
TIDBIT: If by some chance the Rangers prevail tonight, try to get everything out of your system right away. Don’t take it out on your loved ones, unless your loved ones happen to be on the field at some point tonight. Remember that sportsmanship is still important. Even if there are absolutely egregious calls, bias, or payoffs involved, try to keep all blows above the belt. Give credit where it is due, and then go curl up into the fetal position on a dog bed.
MORE BITS OF TID: It might be a good idea to have the main screen at Busch devoted entirely to showing the Cardinal bullpen at some point. You know, just to make sure.
Follow gr33nazn on Twitter to find out how well I follow my own advice!