Yes, there needs to be one. No, it’s not just for people who commit egregious party fouls (double dipping). It’s also for any of the “Best Fans in Baseball” who gave up on the Cardinals way back in August….or July….or anytime at all this season. It’s also good for any Cardinal fans who stopped watching last night’s game right after the 3rd inning or before the end of the 9th inning for that matter. Ante up and kick in, folks. A full season is 162 games, and it could even be 163 games in some years. A regulation game is usually 9 innings, but it may be 20 or more. So, stock up on adult diapers, designate an extra designated driver, and strap yourselves in for the duration of the 2011 playoffs. I give to you the Cardinal Nation Penalty Box:
- It comes complete with a 13″ black and white television set, some tin foil, some coax cable, a working cable box, a Swiss Army Knife, and everything else you need to watch the game. Unfortunately, not everything is in working condition. You have 20 minutes prior to first pitch to make everything work. Sorry, but that’s what you get for bailing out and losing faith.
- There is a Scrabble board game with a special set of rules. You score a bonus 100 points for spelling “Happy” and “Flight” in consecutive turns. If you successfully spell “Rzepczynski”, the board actually explodes while playing “Here Comes The King”.
- There is large, wooden maze with a tortoise of average intelligence in it. If you can guide the tortoise to the end of the maze using nothing but the power of your mind by the end of the 7th inning stretch, you win a “Do It For Torty” set of earmuffs with matching leg warmers (or optional jorts).
- It does contain a telephone, but it works like the bullpen phone system at Busch Stadium. If you pick it up, you will only hear a recording of Tony LaRussa asking why the heck Jake Westbrook is the only “reliever” left available in the bullpen. This part will then be followed by Dave Duncan quoting and mis-quoting various Yoda lines from Star Wars. “Save or save not, there is no try.”
- Also, the walls are all plastered with various photos of FSMW broadcasters dressed as the members of Team Fredbird. Yes, I realize that there are some things you just can’t “unsee”. Sorry. It’s not my fault you folks have active imaginations.
- The entire time you are in the penalty box, you get to wear a dunce cap and a “31st Best Fans in Baseball” t-shirt.
- To help pass the time, assuming you get the b&w tv working, you get to write a 10 page essay on why Hunter Pence’s on-deck routine makes you think of Happy Gilmore’s putting stroke or whether or not his baseball career takes away from his acting career as Syd from the Ice Age franchise.
- To make the experience realistic, your internet access will be limited to two friends drawing pictures and passing them to you on Big Chief notebook paper. This is to simulate internet access throughout much of Busch Stadium. Disclaimer: I’m an iPhone user, so my experience is probably due to bandwidth issues, obstructions, dinosaurs, small alien spacecraft, negative energy, or simply the possibility that Steve Jobs hates me, because I used Excel more than once.
- You get to work on potential slogans for the remainder of the playoffs and for 2012. Possible starters include “Thank you, Charlie Manuel” and “We Did It for the Happy Flights”, although the latter might require some explanation in light of the new PanAm show. Some people might mistake the team flights for Mad Men on a charter plane or something.
Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, because I’ll be tweeting nonsense from game 3 of the Cardinals vs Phillies series!