You Can’t Handle the Cardinals!!!

by on August 24, 2011 · 4 comments

“It’s the Cardinals, sir, they’ve gone from suck to blow.” -Spaceballs

“My Cardinals always work some of the time.” -Will Smith in Bad Boys


If you are a Twitter user, then you are probably familiar with silly hashtags like the one I used.  It’s a great excuse for normally rationale people to express themselves in humorous, ridiculous, and sometimes offensive ways by showing off their entirely useless knowledge of movie lines.  Simply pick your favorite movie quote and substitute the word “Cardinals” in place of a noun (or two). 

“Negative ghost rider, the Cardinals are full.”  -Top Gun

Instead of writing an early obituary for the 2011 season like so many others are doing, I’m taking a gallows humor approach to a team that is something like 15 games back with 16 to play [/sarcasm].  For a team that is 1st in the NL in runs scored and 9th in runs allowed, you might expect better than a 10 game deficit in the division and 10 1/2 games back in the wild card race.  In truth, they really are who we thought they were, and there is no shame in that.

If they had gone out and traded Shelby Miller or Carlos Martinez for a quick, short-term fix, it’s likely that know-it-alls like me would have written very not nice things about John Mozeliak and a penchant for kicking cute and fluffy Build-a-Bears.  Instead, the Cardinals avoided the temptation in favor of building for the long haul, and I’m confident that the team will be better for it.  It’s just that there for now there is a brief urge to curl up into the fetal position and watch replays of the 2006 NLCS over and over and over again [keywords: Beltran, Waino, curve ball, frozen, nasty].   

Much better. 

Of course, the Cardinals aren’t mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet, so there are some diehard fans out there who are probably calling me a chump for giving up.

“What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed the Cardinals?” -Bluto in Animal House

In truth, Bluto was right….pretty much.  A lot can still happen, and the Brewers can still go all “epic fail” on everybody, and the Cardinals could still up their collective game a bit.  The problem is that the Cardinals need outside help in addition to a figurative kick in the rear.  The Brewers need to fall down a bit, and some self-sabotage wouldn’t hurt.  Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Zack Greinke needs to play some 3-on-3 hoops.  Lots of hoops.  If anybody is interested in playing basketball with Zack, please bring a basketball and a splint.
  2. Prince Fielder needs to hit the salad buffet just a little harder.  He can catch Broxton, if he works hard enough.  Dedication man, dedication!
  3. Someone just needs to challenge Nyjer Morgan to be …..well, Nyjer Morgan. 
  4. Corey Hart just needs to get lost in his cave and be unable to find his way to the stadium a few times, so he can earn a suspension (or three). 
  5. Maybe Ryan Braun will be staying with Corey when he gets lost…..2 Brewers, 1 stone.

“Cardinals?  We don’t need no stinkin’ Cardinals!” -Blazing Saddles

“May the Cardinals be with you.” -Han Solo in Star Wars (1977 – before it was referred to commonly as “Episode 4 – A New Pile of Crap” after 3 prequels were released with a bunch of crappy actors ruining my fond childhood memories…not that I’m bitter)

TIDBIT:  Okay, yes I am still bitter.

MORE BITS OF TID:  I’m already seeing a lot of “TLR Supporters vs TLR Haters” comments on Twitter and Facebook.  If that’s your stance, then I believe that your argument is invalid.  Just because someone doesn’t want LaRussa back next year doesn’t make them a “hater”.  There are many reasons why non-haters don’t want TLR back at the helm.  Allowing Mitchell Boggs to bat in the 4th inning of an 8-0 game with the bases loaded and 2 outs is just one of them.  A single likely scores 2 runs, and a well-placed double probably clears the bases for 3 runs.  However, waving the white flag is just cowardly.  If you are going to do that, you might as well bring in Skip Schumaker to pitch or something…..oh, nevermind.

FINAL BIT OF TID:  If you didn’t enjoy the 93 mph “derpball” pitch from Skip, then the Communists have officially won.  When a position player can just walk up to the mound and throw 93 mph with good movement, I think about the degree of specialization in baseball.  Why can’t players who are position players and pitchers in high school and college continue to do both when they reach the pros?  After all, there are plenty of times that a pitcher is pressed into spot duty as a fielder anyway. 

Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, because it’s okay to be bitter about prequels!




Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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Peter August 24, 2011

If Ozzie and the Cardinals/La Russa were on better terms, he could volunteer to take T-Plush to the mystery spot he got lost in back when he played for Mr. Burns’ softball team.

Dennis August 24, 2011

Hahaha! Wait, wasn’t Canseco on that team? If so, there would certainly be a tell-all book about it.

Jon Doble August 27, 2011

On the “Final Bit of Tid”… I bet Tony LaRussa would be the manager to bring it into the game of baseball. Bench/bullpen players who can pitch and field.

Dennis August 29, 2011

I tend to agree, Jon. It would take someone who is either very forward thinking or has a lot of job security (or both).

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