It was only a matter of time. It’s the modern version of irresistible force vs immovable object (or Prince Fielder vs Golden Corral as I like to call it). It’s going to be epic. This is beyond epic. It’s “bepic”. This isn’t about Good versus Evil (or Ebil). It’s not that black and white. No, this is about something that is perhaps even more important than that age old battle. This is about taking something that is sacred, combining it with a golden opportunity, and totally poking the pooch in the process.
I digress. (NOTE: I’m only doing that to make it sound like I know how to actually write.)
Fan Cave: Expensive setup in NYC where stupid jokes involving a play on words using Huston Street’s name are allowed. Basically it’s a baseball show production studio masquerading as a living space.
ManFridge: Legit refrigerator purchased by normal people for everyday use that just happened to get turned into the ultimate beverage storage unit (as proven by the ultimate ManFridge picture). No fake stuff in the MF. No “Huston Street” jokes, either. Those are just as bad as using Adam Dunn’s last name in stupid jokes. Yeah, we get it people. Homophones can be funny, but you don’t have to be a genius to use them. Make the pain stop.
Fan Cave: Also known as the “Bromance Man-Crush Training Center for 2nd, 3rd, and 4thTier MLB Players”. Really, it’s okay to get excited about guys who are All-Stars, or guys who have a World Series win or two. Guys who have less than a season of MLB experience, or who Peter Gammons couldn’t pick out of a lineup? C’mon!? Ridiculous. Bring it down a notch (or 3). Seriously. It’s fine to have a Bromance Man-Crush, but be picky about it, please. Sheesh.
ManFridge: The MF gives equal treatment to all. Organic milk is handled the same way as pulp free orange juice. Coca-Cola in a glass bottle is no different than Coca-Cola in a can according to the MF. It’s all the same in the eyes of the MF. Same rules apply to juice packs, bottled water, and filtered water that comes straight from the MF.
Fan Cave: If testosterone could be converted into helium, the Fan Cave would be interrupting airliners enough to wake a few air traffic controllers by now. Maybe MLB hasn’t done a show of knuckle-dragging paws recently, but they should. About 45% of their fans are female. More importantly, most of the other 55% answer to females. Yet someone in the “Me Tarzan, You Jane” crowd designed and marketed the Fan Cave completely for the point-and-grunt set. That’s like investing in a Kia dealership in the Hamptons. Yes, some people will buy Kias there, but you are kind of missing the blatantly obvious 800 pound gorilla in the room (pssst…it’s the one decision-making abilities who doesn’t necessarily like just pink, dummies).
ManFridge: MF has this one already covered like Phil Ivey covers a 7-2 bluff. MF doesn’t assume anything. Yes, there are Bud Lights in ManFridge right alongside the V8s, 5-Hour Energy Drinks, Cranapple juice, and Cran-Raspberry juices. However, the MF doesn’t assign “his” and “her” tags to them. The ManFridge is open to all, and the ManFridge does not discriminate. Heck, the ManFridge does not even take note of who grabs what out of the fridge. All ManFridge worries about is that everybody enjoys the products stored inside the fridge. Maybe MLB should take a cue from the MF. That’s all I’m sayin’.
Fan Cave: Mike O’Hara has a “wingman” named Ryan Wagner. Is this “Top Gun”? Are Goose and Mav going to show up and kick the tires and light the fires?
ManFridge: The ManFridge does not need a “wingman”. The ManFridge flies solo. Also, the ManFridge does not look at all like a panhandler dressed in Dodgers gear.
FINAL CALL: It’s not even close. The ManFridge dominates this one based on its “equality for all” approach. Hey, you could call it WomanFridge, and nothing would change about it. While the ManFridge was originally intended for Cardinals fans, it is open to all baseball fans. The ManFridge is not limited to one team, but the ManFridge is not the only answer to fixing the Fan Cave. Fear not knuckle-draggers. I have taken the time to list 10 ways that could help improve the Fan Cave for next year.
10 Ways to Improve the Fan Cave:
- Next year select someone who doesn’t need to be medicated, or who wasn’t an extra in “Super High Me” or one of the Harold and Kumar movies.
- Select a couple, because women watch baseball as well. I know, because I’ve never been to a baseball stadium full of just men. As a matter of fact, that would stink. Literally. Also, I noticed that every baseball stadium I’ve been to has restrooms for men and women.
- If you ask nicely, we might let you borrow the ManFridge for FC2. Also, you would have to pay a lot of money, but we can negotiate that deal quietly. If interested, just contact my agent…Dan Lozano. I’ll only talk after the season is over, and I want a 10 year deal. Also, you can’t talk to anyone else about the negotiations. Pinky swear it.
- Move the Fan Cave to the West Coast to somewhere like Seattle or San Diego. Any city with 2 teams would be cool, so any city in California could qualify, because the Angels would just change their name to something like the 3rd Rock From the Sun California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pacific West Coast Left Side North America. It’s wordy, but it’s all about location, location, location, right?
- In addition to the FC base, go with a portable FC. Mobile Fan Cave could go on the road and really do some cool stuff. “30 Bleachers in 30 Days” would also be known as the “30 Sections of Drunk Friendly People in 30 Sleepless Nights” segment, but it would rock, and you all know it.
- Use an actual cave next time. A lot of guys set up their own “Man Caves”, and a lot of them are set up in basements. Does the concept of “below ground” ring a bell? When I think of a “cave”, I don’t think of a loft with lots of windows and tons of MLB players making cameos. Less Oprah and more dank basement, please.
- Go really big. Like really, really big. Make it a network of Fan Caves. Put it together in one city. Pick 1 fan for each team, and round them up and drop them all off in 1 place. It would be like Real World meets Bad News Bears meets Jersey Shore or something like that. Play it Survivor-style. As their teams get eliminated, each participant gets taken off the Fan Cave “island”.
- Do this same concept, except apply it to minor league baseball. Yeah, let’s see you sell that one. Hardcore baseball fans would watch. I’d love to see interviews with AA ballplayers. They might actually say/do some funny stuff. YouTube worthy stuff. There might be sporks involved. I’m so in.
- Singing the National Anthem at an actual game must be a requirement to participate. Tell me you wouldn’t want to see whoever is hosting that gig also have to sing the anthem. It couldn’t possibly be any worse than Carl Lewis singing the anthem. Definitely not worse than Roseanne singing it.
- Arrangements should be made to film a movie and use the Fan Cave II as part of the set somehow during the season. There should be a large explosion involved. No fake explosion, either. A really, really big explosion……after the ManFridge has been removed and replaced with a stunt double, and well after we’ve been paid for the use of ManFridge.
Like it? Think you could star in the 2nd season of Fan Cave? Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and maybe we can start promoting your candidacy right now!