Not The News – Vol VI

by on March 14, 2011 · 2 comments

I was going to attempt to start off with something funny and/or clever here, but I’m a little sluggish after the “Daylight Saving Time” atrocity over the weekend, and I also desperately need more cowbell in my life.  So, without any additional fanfare or merrymaking, here is Volume VI:

LATOS AND LINCECUM TO STAR IN THE “ANTI-SOCIAL NETWORK”?

TeamLatos vs Bobblehead Timmeh

Sure, Latos signed 3 baseballs with “I hate SF!” which were auctioned off for charity, but don’t think for a moment that he wouldn’t do it again.  It certainly caused a ruckus the first time, and I applaud Latos for not backing down from the World Series champions.  Once all that talent the Padres have in the minor league system catches up to where Latos is, the NL West should really be a slugfest.  If only the Padres had the financial backing that the jackholes in the real Social Network did, they could really push the Giants hard.

Seriously, could you just imagine Mat Latos and Tim Lincecum in a movie together?  “Half-Raked”, anybody? 

PUJOLS SENDS ROOKIES IN SEARCH OF HIS MISSING GLOVE!

Let's play "Where's the Glove?" mang.

Terrified rookies sprinted in the opposite direction of Albert Pujols, and only hours later while being treated for exhaustion did one meekly admit that they knew the glove was on his head the entire time.  Pujols broke into a wide grin and playfully punched the nearest rookie in the arm – sending the player to the training room for further treatment. 

REDS PLAYERS TAKE FIELDING PRACTICE – HONOR Bill Buckner

473 batted balls later, and you still can't pick one cleanly...

Without the benefit of a panoramic shot, it’s hard to tell exactly how many balls go through, but it appears that at least one was snagged cleanly (or at least a prop ball was used for this shot). 

HITTING COACH McGWIRE & CARDINALS PLAYERS FILM NEXT NIKE “BOOM” COMMERCIAL!

Yeah, pull my finger....BOOOM!!!

For some reason, this one has tentatively been titled the “Pull My Finger” Boom ad for reasons still unknown.  Still, it seems that the team enjoyed filming the spot, and Big Mac was having trouble keeping a straight face in-between takes.  “Boom” indeed, Mark. 

CARDINALS RELEASE PREVIEW OF YADI’S 2011 HOME JERSEY!

Catching and batting 6th....Yadi BAMF!!

That’s right, folks.  Yadier Molina has officially changed his last name to “BAMF”.  No official word on whether or not the rest of the Fightin’ Molinas have also made the switch, but it just makes sense to me.  Heck, I know that I’d happily plunk down just under $300 for one of these jerseys.  Just hope that they come in kids’ sizes as well.  Admit it.  You know you want one of these as well.  Just hope that Yadi makes the All-Star team again this year.  This would look great on one of those NL All-Star uniforms.

Beethoven's Fifth! Renoir later, latte now. How ya like me now?

 

That’s right.  Some really geeky person dreamed up a wild supposition (or some other geeky word) that if a million monkeys were given a million years one of them would somehow manage to pound out Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.  The more modern version of that involves monkeys, a good latte, and a Macbook or something like that, but you get the drift.  Anyway, it seems that a monkey has finally done it, and that same monkey happens to blog on the side as well.  The blogging isn’t all that great, but it’s probably better than average.  Here’s an excerpt from a rough draft the monkey passed along to me this morning via email:

Forgive my lateness to the inaugural “Bashing of the Pujols” party which seems to be taking place on a national scale.  I had mistaken the open invitation to participate as the bloggers equivalent to a pitch in the dirt which only the least discriminate of batters offer at, and I am not the blogging equivalent of Vladimir Guerrero.  After a slight hesitation, I’ve decided to don my best monkey suit and attend for the singular purpose of defending Albert’s character as best my primate physiology will allow. 

I fully realize that the temptation to toss around the word “greed” in discussions about Albert and his possible contract requests is great, because it is “low hanging fruit”.  While I have nothing against low hanging fruit, I appreciate the fact that just about anybody or anything can reach it.  Even animals that are slower than a Prince Fielder “cool down” lap and shorter than Nick Punto‘s vertical can reach the low hanging stuff without getting caught.  That’s like getting hit by a pitch….or a walkoff wild pitch.  It’s practically a gift.  Be better than that.

If you don’t really know much about Albert, then he’s a lot like Fight Club.  The first rule is that you don’t talk about Albert Pujols.  The second rule is that you don’t talk about Albert Pujols.  Seriously.  It’s important.  Don’t bother comparing Albert to other players, either.  Albert is just Albert.  It’s not a matter of better, superior, worse, or less talented.  He’s just a different guy.  Why compare at all?  Is Albert the Henry Aaron of this generation?  No.  He’s the Albert Pujols of this generation.  Is he A-Rod or Babe Ruth?  Are you two bananas shy of a bunch?  That’s like comparing the Gambino crime family to the Jonas Brothers Disneyfication of America Corp. 

Oh, and let’s stop comparing what baseball players make to what everybody else makes.  That’s old news.  If you don’t like it, then stop buying the merchandise, paying for the tickets, and watching the games on tv.  If you have a problem with modified free market economics, then go picket something.  By the way, the comparison to the salary of the POTUS is old as well.  It’s not like anybody is forcing the POTUS to take the job.  It’s not like the job doesn’t have some really good perks and benefits.  How many ex-Presidents are broke?  Right.  They go on lecture circuits and have someone else pen their best-selling memoirs.  By the way, the current MLB minimum salary is higher than the salary for the POTUS. 

Now, please forgive me for cutting this rough draft a little short.  I have a Renoir to mimic before I do the final copy of this blog post, and then I really need to find some low hanging fruit.  Also, I could use a good latte. 

Yours truly

~E. Volved

TIDBIT:  As of last night, only two teams in spring training had scored fewer runs than the Cardinals – the Twins and the Marlins.  Somehow, the Cardinals are only 2.5 games back for best record in the Grapefruit League.  Go figure. 

Like it?  Wish you could honor Buckner as well?  Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and maybe we can get E. Volved to hit us some grounders down the line at first!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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{ 2 comments }

Chris March 14, 2011

Hmmm, that E. Volved certainly is … evolved. And quite the writer.

Dennis March 14, 2011

I’ll pass that along to E. He’s a “Mac”, and I’m a “PC”. We’re practically brothers. ;)

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