This post is dedicated to all the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) and HABs (Husbands and Boyfriends) who
complain, gripe, and yell constructively criticize their significant others for playing fantasy baseball. It shouldn’t come to this. There must be a better way. Millions of people play fantasy sports. It’s practically ubiquitous. It’s so commonplace that I’m using words like “ubiquitous”. I wouldn’t even resort to that while playing Scrabble. Look at what you’ve made me do here.
The madness must cease at this impasse. I hereby declare an end to all hostilities where fantasy baseball is concerned. Let peace break out globally among couples wherever the words “fantasy draft” are uttered. I give to you the “Magna Carta” of fantasy baseball peace agreements which includes
excuses reasons to play.
- Fantasy baseball is food for the soul, and it enlightens all who embrace it. What I mean by that is that it’s usually free. You usually can’t beat “free” unless someone is paying you to do it, and that usually means “work”. In my world, free entertainment >>> work about 90% of the time.
- Fantasy baseball provides an opportunity for cultural learning beyond your own borders. Interpret that as “The sport is played in Canada, too.”
- You can gain a new appreciation for the game of baseball itself. Maybe you didn’t really care about “OPS” prior to this season. Join a fantasy baseball league that uses OPS as one of the many statistical categories, and I bet you’ll care. A lot. Every time one of your players fails to take that extra base, you’ll really appreciate the lack of “hustle”.
- Learn a new language or two. Many of the players in MLB are from countries other than the US and speak languages other than English. Just listen closely to any baseball broadcast, and see if you don’t learn some new words. Better yet, try the closed captioning on your tv and switch it to another language. Just be sure to learn what the words actually translate to in English before using them in public. If a batter strikes out with the bases loaded and his team down by 2 runs, he probably isn’t thanking the pitcher for throwing a slider in the dirt.
- Get to know about players from other teams you don’t follow. Sure, you know a lot about your hometown team or your favorite team (no, they don’t have to be one and the same). You may even know a fair amount about your division rivals. If you are a fan of the Stl Cardinals, you probably know more than you want to know about the Reds and Cubs, but what about the Pirates? Do you know much about every team in the NL? AL? MLB? Every player? Well, it’s about time that you learned about nearly every single one, because that’s what you do in fantasy baseball. Time to get your obsession on and hunker down with your favorite tool for accessing the interwebs. Luke Scott had an OPS of .902 last season which was good for something like 7th best among all qualifying outfielders. If you are asking yourself “Wth is a Luke Scott?”, then you need to stop speaking in chatspeak and start paying attention to baseball more. Srsly. Furreal.
- Did I mention that it’s usually free? It’s also family friendly and kid friendly. It’s like the circus – minus the creepy clowns, overpriced tickets/rides, long waits, creepy clowns, screaming kids, safety hazards, and tetanus requirements. Did I mention the creepy clowns?
- There’s an app for that, too. Actually, there are dozens of apps for it. Most of the good ones cost money, but fantasy baseball just gives you an excuse to buy MLB At-Bat 2011. That way you can actually keep up with what all of your players are doing, and the best way to do that is to watch as many games as possible. Really? REALLY? Yeah, really!
- Fantasy baseball helps charitable organizations. Yep, it sure does. The cuss jar thing applies to fantasy baseball just like it does to regular baseball. So, you just noticed that your closer blew a save with a 2 run cushion? Muttered something under your breath that rhymed with “ham”, did ya’? Drop some spare change in the cuss jar. Donate the money at the end of the season. If you don’t want to donate it, or if you can’t afford to donate it, then I suggest doing something really good for your family/loved ones/dog. Now would be a good time to treat your WAG/HAB to a nice dinner out……or the season finale at the ballpark. Your choice. ballpark…..ballpark…..ballpark…..
- There are far worse things to do with your time than play fantasy sports for FREE! It’s a fairly passive interest. You can mow the lawn WHILE you are actually playing fantasy baseball. You can work a day job WHILE you are playing fantasy baseball. You can even sleep WHILE you are playing fantasy baseball. Of course, you can also eat hot wings, 8 lb burritos, and watch baseball while you are playing fantasy baseball. It’s a double-edged sword. Focus on the lawn mowing, working, and passive parts, though. You probably don’t want to mention the hot wings and burritos (with a spork) parts.
- You are responsible for saving the planet and preventing global warming. This is huge! How is this possible? Instead of spending time doing things that burn fossil fuels, you have chosen to park your butt in front of a tv (that you already have purchased), dim your lights (that use CFLs), and watch all the baseball you can watch on tv (instead of treating your lawn with chemicals that eventually runoff into the sewage system and reach the sea). All drains lead to the ocean, because Nemo taught us that, and everybody knows that Nemo wouldn’t lie to us.
If enlightenment, cultural betterment, improved appreciation of baseball, learning new languages, free entertainment, increased family time, exposure to advanced technology, improved quality of life, and saving the planet aren’t reasons enough to play fantasy baseball, then please think of the creepy clowns.
I’m a fantasy baseball league participant, and I approve this message (and the run-ons contained within).
TIDBIT: You may have noticed that I often give shout outs to other blogs in this space. I don’t view them as the competition, because I’m naive and couldn’t give a crap about “audience share”. There are several really good (or great) blogs out there, and I want all 3 of our loyal readers to know about them all. My latest shout out is to the newest UCB member, STL: Fear The Red. JE Powell possesses a unique style that mixes elements of personal experience with pop culture knowledge and guffaw-inducing humor that he blends into his baseball writing. The result is yet another blog worth a few minutes of reading each week.
Like it? Unsure about all drains leading to the ocean? Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and we’ll discuss why I’m thinking of something orange and small with white stripes……!