Not The News – Vol V

by on March 8, 2011 · 2 comments

Since this is the 5th installment, I was going to try and make this one really epic.  It was going to be a truly monumental work of snark wrapped inside a thinly constructed flaky crust of sarcastic goodness.  Then I made myself a bit hungry.  I then realized that you can’t spell “epic” without “p i e”, and I like pie.  I also like “pi”, but I like “pie” better.  You can see where this is going….or maybe you can’t.  Now look over there.  Now over here.  Now I’m writing nonsense, because I’m a man, but sometimes I like babbling like a different babbling man. 

I digress.  On to the news that really isn’t:

DARK HELMET IS REALLY….Aaron Miles?

Miles knew it. He's surrounded by...

That’s right.  Aaron Miles is Dark Helmet, and the PH8 paparazzi have the photographic evidence to prove it.  Miles was spotted in Spaceball1 in spring training with the Dodgers on the same day he was spotted hitting the beach…..in Tahiti!!!  Yeah, apparently Miles has no problem firing up Spaceball1 for “ludicrous speed”, and he has no concerns about his brain going into his feet.  When confronted about parking his spacecraft at the end of the parking lot, Miles simply shrugged and mumbled something about needing to “cancel the three ring circus”.  Teammates quietly expressed concern about Miles and his claim that he had somehow twisted his “Schwartz”.  When questioned by media members about his odd behavior, Aaron redirected all matters to his agent, Colonel Sandurz. 

HONKIN’ FOR JAIME EFFORT RUNS AMOK!

Bit much for a tshirt. We have more.

Honestly, I think people took the “Honkin’ for Jaime” thing a little too far this time.  Honk once.  1.  Uno.  That’s singular.  More than zero and less than two (whole numbers).  I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the middle of all that is PH8 holding up a tshirt, but maybe we should rethink the whole giveaway concept.  The shirts are available for order from the site, folks.  No need to get all chippy about it.  Now somebody please dig out PH8. 

“MAJOR LEAGUE 3 1/2″ BEGINS FILMING – SCENES LEAKED!

Forget the curve ball, Zack. Give 'em the heater!

Cardinals minor league ballplayer Zack Cox makes his acting debut in “Major League 3 1/2 – 8th Inning Stretch”.  Cox is taking on the role of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, even though he technically isn’t actually a pitcher.  Unlike in the original “Major League” movie, the casting director wanted someone who could actually throw the ball all the way to home plate from that “big round hill in the middle of the green thing we mowed”.  No word yet about the rest of the actual cast, but word has it that this time the plan is to use people who speak in full sentences and can appear to at least “mime comically”.  That would put “Major League 3 1/2″ light years ahead of “Major League -  Back to the Minors”, but that’s not saying much.  Honestly, if you can look at Dennis Haysbert in those Allstate Commercials and not for at least a split second think of Pedro Cerrano and Jobu, you are indeed a better human being than I am.  Seriously.  Jobu.  Chicken.  Hats for bats. 

THE CARP IDENTITY

The Carp Ultimatum is even better

No, the other “Carp”.  Matt Carpenter.  He’s sick of people calling him “The Other Carpenter”, and he’s ticked.  The only problem is that he’s dressed in really tight clothing, and he doesn’t like his “skinny jeans” in black.  Also, he’s in Tangiers, and nobody noticed that he’s wearing a Cardinals baseball cap.  Oh, he’s got a gun, and his real name is “David Webb”, and he was born in Nixa, Missouri.  Fortunately for Matt Bourne Webb Carpenter, nobody seems to care about the gun or the baseball cap. 

PREVIEW OF PHILLIPS BASEBALL CARD AVAILABLE

Broom..sweep..get it?

Brandon Phillips pays homage to the Reds humble playoff exit by appearing on his next baseball card wielding a broom.  Kudos to Phillips for this move.  This is almost enough to make me want to draft Phillips in my fantasy league.  As a matter of fact, I’ve just moved him up my “big board”, and I’ve got the screenshot to prove it.  I’ve even listed him with my “potential fantasy sleepers” to pursue in later rounds (if available).

Totally made ths up, yeah!

TIDBIT:  The “pi” and “pie” thing wasn’t geeky enough, so I’m leaving you with this:  (RAH)2 (AH)3 + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)2 (OOH) (LA)2 which is the mathematical equivalent of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”.  Poor attempts at bringing the funny AND bonus geekery?  Yikes.  That’s the blogging equivalent of having a flat tire and a flat spare. 

MORE BITS OF TID:  I usually end with some shameless self-promotion to follow me on Twitter.  Before I do that, I should warn you that following me isn’t for the faint of heart.  I’m opinionated, sarcastic, dry, snarky, and occasionally prone to ranting about what I perceive as the various ills and injustices of the world.  I call it like I see it, but I don’t have a problem with YOU telling ME what you think as well.  A proper feedback loop is necessary to keep me in check and keep me well-informed. 

Like it?  Want your own baseball card?  Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and maybe we can hijack a baseball card template!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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{ 2 comments }

Ann March 8, 2011

#TeamUranus needs no warning. If they read your blogs, they should know you’re snarkastic to a fault. Keep being you.

I really like the Michael Webb Carpenter whatever his name was (too lazy to scroll back up). Made me chuckle.

Also, fun fact. I went to college not even half an hour from Nixa. Neat.

Dennis March 8, 2011

I should do a side-by-side to show just how much Matt Carpenter and Matt Damon don’t look alike. Somehow, the Photoshop job still works.

I’ve actually been to Nixa. It might be smaller than the Bass Pro Shop in Springfield, though.

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