A Major League “Honey-Do” List

by on March 4, 2011 · 11 comments

That’s right.  It’s a “Honey-Do” list.  It’s a list of things that must be accomplished prior to opening day, or else you won’t be able to watch baseball in complete peace and quiet.  We’re not talking about your everyday “fix-the-gutter” or unclog the drain type DIY projects, either.  I’m talking serious stuff here, and you’re running out of time, so buckle up buttercup.  Take some notes, because you can’t punt on these.

  1. Stock the #ManFridge to full capacity with all required beverages.  That includes kid-friendly stuff.  Everything from juice boxes to icy cold ones.  No, wine coolers are not allowed in the #ManFridge, and neither are vegetables unless they are part of a larger food item…..like a cold pizza.  Wine in a large box is encouraged, although there is nothing wrong with a good wine cooler adjacent to the #ManFridge.  We’re not complete heathens.
  2. Prep your cuss jar.  Feel free to decorate it as you see fit, although I’d rather see it look more like a goalie mask than a stage prop for Phantom of the Opera’s “Masquerade” scene. 
  3. Strategically place a spare charger for your whatever device you use for Twitter near your favorite seat.  There is nothing worse than getting a low battery signal around the 7th inning stretch of a game.  Your audience needs you.  If you don’t have a spare charger, ask your neighbor/friend for one and never return it.  Just kidding.  Go order one right now you cheapskate.
  4. Add the entire MLB schedule to your work and personal calendars and set up text and alarm reminders for games of interest.  Learn to act very important and serious when each reminder/alarm goes off.  Think to yourself at those moments “What would Jason Bourn do?”  Act on it.  Forget your neighbor’s hedges (you can make it over them).  Ignore your lawn (it’s not going anywhere).  It’s baseball season!
  5. Memorize the phone numbers for every pizza place in town that delivers and always carry spare cash with you.  Sure, you make a lot better pie than they do, but do you really have the time when the game goes extra frames?  When Pujols steps to the plate against……Aaron Miles, do you want to miss the at-bat to check the oven temp?  No.  You want to be burning the roof of your mouth on a pizza made by somebody else right about that moment.  Sacrifice quality in the name of baseball, and you can help the US economy at the same time.
  6. Set your fantasy league team and check on it as though it were a baby unicorn.  Seriously.  Bragging rights are at stake here, folks.  Check your work.  You can’t change gas prices, the situation in Libya, or the fact that Charlie Sheen is babbling crap on Twitter, BUT you can keep your fantasy league team updated.  Do it.
  7. Assemble your “TLR’s Asinine Lineup Dartboard” set.  It’s fun to play, and you just might get the lineup correct 1 out of every 3 nights. 
  8. If you have a dog, teach the dog to fetch the remote control.  I can’t stress enough how potentially important this one is.  You already know why.
  9. Practice an “avoidance technique” for your least favorite play-by-play broadcasters or color commentators.  For example, I’ve learned to “stop, drop, and roll” completely out of the room whenever I hear Tim McCarver or Joe Morgan.  Hiding under a school desk might save your from a nuclear attack, but it won’t save you from Joe Morgan’s blabbering and meandering stories about how great life was prior to microwave ovens, the internet, and the invention of the wheel.  However, I’ve learned to pull a Matrix-type move where I can dive through a window and into the house at the sound of Vin Scully or Mike Shannon. 
  10. Clean the #ManCave or #WomanCave and make it void of all obstacles.  You don’t live in a Texas Roadhouse, and there shouldn’t be big chunks of food particles on the floor.  If someone needs a up-to-date tetanus shot to watch a baseball game in your den, then you need help. 
  11. If you haven’t already done so, upgrade to HD.  If you can’t afford HD, then start a donation drive on Twitter, and let me know about it.  It’s that important. 
  12. Start a freakin’ blog!!!  If you already have a blog, then start blogging more.  Why?  I need more reading material, people.  Seriously, I downloaded the Kindle version of “The 33-Year-Old Rookie” the other night and finished it in 2 hours.  Need.  More.  Reading.  Material.  (BTW, this one is going to make every list I do until more people start blogging.)
  13. Perfect your grilling techniques and send me your recipes.  All of them.  Just kidding (no not really).  I’m perfectly happy to swap recipes, especially if one of them happens to involve an 8 lb burrito that you eat with a spork.
  14. Repeat after me: “Sunlight during the day, baseball at night”.  As always, afternoon games are the exception, but you’ll have to figure those out on your own.  Baseball season is no excuse for failing to get at least some exercise (keep telling yourself that as your plod from the couch to the fridge and back).  Besides, it’s fairly difficult to reverse the two components for most of us who don’t live someplace like Alaska, and “sunlight during the night” doesn’t have the same right to it.
  15. Speaking of sporks, make sure that you have plent of them placed conveniently near your favorite comfy chair or couch.  Some kind of towel would be nice as well.  Bonus points for having a food bong.  Don’t ask. 
  16. Learn how to spell “Buehrle”, because people will be mentioning him all season long.  Remember that I’ve already blogged and tweeted repeatedly about what amounts to a “poison pill” in his contract.  His 2012 option for $15M is automatically triggered by a trade, and he would also get a $1M bonus in 2011 for being traded.  Also, forget the names “Felipe Lopez”, “Pedro Feliz”, and “Dennys Reyes”.  Trust me.  This is for your own good.
  17. Seriously consider what charity you want to benefit from the contents of the cuss jar(s) at season’s end.  Honestly think about filling that cuss jar throughout the season.  Make the donation.  If you can’t afford to give the money to charity, then consider the money an enforced savings plan.  Put the money to good use.  Do not spend it on 8 lb burritos and flimsy sporks.  No, that would be a horrible idea (no, it really wouldn’t).
  18. Plan ahead for rain delays.  There is nothing worse than not knowing what to do during a 45-minute rain delay.  Fear not.  I’m not talking about doing something constructive.  You all should know me better than that.  Read a book about baseball.  Do defensive drills in your basement.  Put together rough sketches for building a batting cage in your house.  You get the idea.  Whatever you do, do NOT consider making yourself a big burrito.
  19. Fill your baseball haven with items that make you appear well-read and sophisticated to fool people into thinking that your haven is for more than just watching baseball.  It’s not that you are ashamed of your habit; it’s just that not everybody understands you.  Start with some fake book facades on your shelf, and then try creating the illusion that there is an actual window that lets in natural light from outside.  Create some faux trophy cases to house your “Optimist of the Year” awards and such.  It’s a great place for hiding the Wii console and Xbox as well.  The Rock Band equipment will have to go someplace else.
  20. Remind yourself that spring training games are meaningless.  Spring training injuries are not.  If your favorite team gives up 6 runs in the bottom of the 9th during the last game of spring training, then it’s not worth getting upset.  If a player on your favorite team pulls a hamstring or blows out an elbow during that game, then you better be prepared to fire some spare change/cash into that cuss jar that you worked on in #2 (above).

Like it?  Interested in my fascination in 8 lb burritos and sporks?  Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and I’ll explain more!

Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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Chris March 4, 2011

And yet another Aaron Miles mention today … wow!!

Dennis March 4, 2011

Oops. Busted again. 😉

JE March 5, 2011

First of all I know how to spell Beuhrley. Second of all I think Burhly would be a good pick up just not in a trade, especially with Pujols’ contract looming. 3rdly I have started a blog, but I can’t even get my own wife to read it. 4nd I am reading 101 Things Every Cardinals Fan Should Know and Do Before They Die by Goold and am going to reread Cardinals Essentials next. 5rd Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan are important for those of us who don’t know that if your team is ahead when the game is over, your team wins. Lastly, you have become my favorite blog and keep up the great work! Buehrhly, right?

Dennis March 5, 2011

JE, I’m perfectly fine with Burly in Stl after 2012 as long as Burrly signs at something lower than his current rate. Your wife may not read your blog, but I do have it listed in my Google Reader and enjoyed the “Who Would Win A Fight” piece, although “Wainwright Gets Knifed” was a great tag line. Captains Obvious and Oblivious are awesome for people who aren’t aware that the team with the most runs has the advantage at the end of the game. Fair enough. I’m glad you enjoy this blog, and I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

JE March 5, 2011

I would like to see an expanded version of “What To Do In a Rain Delay” besides an 8 lb burrito. Again, thanks for a great blog!

Dennis March 5, 2011

I’m pretty sure I can expand in the rain delay concept. Thanks for the suggestion.

E.E. RIPPER March 5, 2011

Dennis, Thanks again for an amusing post. I would consider starting a blog, but I have no idea how to go about it. Secondly, If I were to start a blog I’m not sure if it should be a Cubs, White Sox or “Big-Picture” themed blog. Or, perhaps, I could just start a Cubs blog as a sort of default selection and then proceed to ignore the team altogether. That approach would certainly lighten the cuss jar considerably.
If anyone would like to help me with the rudiments of blogging, though I can’t see why anyone would, it would much appreciated.

Dennis March 5, 2011

With your permission, I’d be more than happy to contact you next week using the email address you provided when you posted your comment and give you some suggestions. However, that requires your permission, because we are extremely serious about NOT using email addresses for anything without the express permission of the address owners. I’m always encouraging others to start blogging, so I’d be more than happy to point you in the right/wrong direction. 🙂

E.E. RIPPER March 6, 2011

Hello Dennis. Yes you have my permission to correspond using my comment email address. THANKS A BUNCH!

Ann March 6, 2011

You should never encourage anyone to NOT get 8lb burritos. If there’s queso involved, that’s even better. I love queso burritos. So much.

Dennis March 6, 2011

I really am encouraging far too much consumption of 8 lb burritos as it is. It’s an unhealthy obsession. Also, I actually eat my chicken burrito without the queso. (now I want a burrito)

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