Not The News – Vol III

by on March 1, 2011 · 0 comments

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  With that in mind, let’s hope that the M*A*S*H unit in Jupiter, Florida can patch Carp and Boggs back together without either one missing significant time.  I’m not actually all that familiar with the training staff, but I’m not above calling in Dr. “Hawkeye” Pierce, Winchester, Father Mulcahy, and Margaret Houlihan at this point.  If that doesn’t work, then there’s always Dr. Nick (Hi everybody!).

CARPENTER DISMISSES INJURY AS “MINOR” – TEAM INSISTS ON PROTECTIVE MEASURES

Bubble-Carp

Insistent that the team will not take any risks with ace pitcher Chris Carpenter, the Cardinals have elected to seal Carpenter into a secure bubble made of a highly durable substance produced by NASA for use in space.  Carpenter has already complained of both chafing and the shame caused by wearing horizontal stripes. 

BERKMAN CAUGHT ON SECURITY CAM TRYING TO CONVINCE DRIVER TO LET HIM SIT IN FRONT SEAT ON THE WAY TO ROGER DEAN STADIUM

Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage....

As the team increases proactive player safety measures, Lance Berkman adjusts to the pampered life of a superstar under the spring training equivalent of house arrest.  He has even been given his own driver to make sure he doesn’t injure himself while driving, and he’s got a sweet ride as a bonus.  Too bad he’s got the same wardrobe as Carp, though.  Those horizontal stripes just don’t work for anybody.  Heard this:  Berkman also insists that he’s a very good driver. 

UNDER INTENSE PRESSURE, CARDINALS BUBBLE WRAP GARCIA AGAINST HIS WILL

#TeamBubbleWrapJaime

Jaime Garcia doesn’t look too thrilled to be surrounded by bubble wrap, and who can blame him?  It’s for his own good, though.  Just stay hydrated, Jaime, and they’ll let you out for your starts and side sessions.  Don’t worry about, Jaime.  He’ll probably have plenty of company as soon as the Cardinals bubble wrap the rest of the starting staff right along side him in the training room.

CARDINALS RAISE EXPECTATIONS FOR CRAIG

Allen Craig - Man of Steal

It’s great that has shown up for spring training in great shape, but the Cardinals are going a bit too far with this one.  There’s only so much that one guy can do, and even Craig can’t carry the team for very long……or can he?  Craig was 0/1 in stole base attempts, but I’m all for turning him loose to see if he can become the “Man of Steal” in 2011.  *groans*

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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