Not The News – Vol. I

by on February 26, 2011 · 4 comments

SHOE ATTACKS MAN IN MOUTH.  SHOE WINS 5-0 IN STUNNING ROUT! 
Man goes 0-5 with 4 strikeouts against shoe.

Om nom nom nom....

I love a good mea culpa as much as the next guy, and I’d really like to believe Gomes is sincere with his Deion Sanders impression of a high-speed backpedal.  The only problem I’ve got with the whole thing right now is that the radio interview that Gomes did Thursday didn’t quite feel right.  Maybe it’s because it nearly coincided with a Reds beat reporter being thrown under a bus (figuratively and not literally, I hope).  Regardless, it’s not uncommon for a professional athlete to say something really, really stupid.  It’s not uncommon for anyone to stay something really, really stupid.  However, it’s pretty much inexecusable to sing anything from a Karate Kid movie.  You may quietly hum “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera, but that’s it.  It’s a rule, and #ManFridge says so, because the ladies love Cetera (or so television has programmed my puny brain to believe).

CARDINALS TAKE PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES WITH 3B FREESE DURING SPRING TRAINING

Why yes, he did just lay an eggball!

The Cardinals are going to great lengths to protect David Freese and keep him healthy during spring training, but this is ridiculous.  David doesn’t look too thrilled about it, either.  Maybe it’s just the discomfort from laying that eggball thing directly beneath him, or it could be the fact that he doesn’t even have a glove.  That probably explains why so many baseballs are dispersed around David’s sumo self.

STUNNING PREVIEW OF POST-SURGERY ADAM WAINWRIGHT DESIGNS LEAKED TO NOBODY IMPORTANT!

(The usual national trolls will likely source this “un-story” over the weekend.)

Robo-Waino

While it’s common knowledge that Adam Wainwright will undergo reconstructive surgery (aka Tommy John surgery), it’s not widely known that the physician who will perform the surgery, Dr. George Paletta, has much bigger plans for Wainwright.  According to some lowly placed sources who have no connections with any baseball teams in the United States or Canada at all, we’ve learned that the team plans on Waino returning at some point in 2012 in even better shape than ever.  A person with absolutely no knowledge of medicine, baseball, or crappy movies from the 80′s has informed us that Wainwright will definitely be “practically a machine upon his return to baseball”.  We can hardly wait.

REDS RESIDENT PET ROCK TAKES QUESTIONS AT MEDIA DAY AFTER BEING “BRIEFED” BY TEAM BRASS ON TEAM CONDUCT POLICY

No, I don’t care what you say.  Making fun of Brandon Phillips never gets old.  It’s great that Walt Jocketty was able to find a binkie that had “Mute Button” on it for Phillips, though.  Now if we could just find someone to push that “Mute Button” really, really hard.  Volunteers? 

CUETO ON CONSTANT ALERT – RESORTS TO PACIFIER TO “KICK” HIS THUMB-SUCKING HABIT

You know you want to click on the picture.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Yep, the pacifier has the words “Ho Ho Ho” on it.  Apropos, no?  I’m not a particularly violent person, but I’d put down serious cash to see Cueto get knocked out by anything…..a man, a woman, a donkey, a train, a girl scout with a box of Thin Mints with a brick inside….you name it.  I’m there.  I’m so there. 

Like it?  Wanna sit with me behind the visitor’s dugout at the next Reds game in Stl?  Follow gr33nazn on Twitter, and we’ll all go visit Ballpark Jail together!

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Cardinals fan since I could hold a fishing pole steady. Accidental blogger. Opinionated. I could care less about what you think of me. Constantly confounded, bemused, and confuzzled (ie I'm a pc and a mac). I'm an IT infrastructure analyst with a penchant for breaking tech toys. I ate a sabermetric primer for breakfast. I love playing "All-powerful GM of MLB". The 2010 Cardinals represented a good, practical definition "cognitive dissonance". The 2011 version got by on duct tape and a prayer, and I'm fine with that. They just need new tape for #12 in 12.
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{ 4 comments }

Ann February 26, 2011

That Freese picture made me laugh just as hard this time as it did when you first put it on twitter. Awesome.

I love fake news.

And I know I shouldn’t wish harm on opposing people, but I’d love to see LaRue get to take a crack at Cueto’s head with spikes of his own. Much profanity occurred when that brawl happened.

Dennis February 26, 2011

Thanks. I like fake news a lot, but I usually don’t create it myself. The Freese-sumo one jusy begged to be done, so I felt obligated to do it. Once I started, I couldn’t stop with just one.

As for Cueto, I’d just like to see him flattened by the box of Thin Mints. :)

Ann February 26, 2011

As long as I can eat the Thin Mints in order to give you an empty box, I’m down with that.

Dennis February 26, 2011

Deal. Those aren’t my favorite ones anyway.

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